Category: Just Plain Weird

The Not-A-Cat: It’s Not A Cat

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not a cat stuffed toy
The Not-A-Cat is not a cat. It just looks like a cat. Maybe you are allergic to cats or can’t afford to care for one. Well, now you can have Not-A-Cat. And just like a real cat, this thing will sleep all day and ignore you. The idea is that this lump of fur looks like a sleeping cat. You can stuff it into the corner of your couch and it will make it look like you have a real honest to glob cat, when in reality you have no one and nothing that cares for your company.

It’s not a cat. Just so we’re clear. It never claimed to be. It never will. It just wants to fill that lonely void in your life.
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Horror Movie Jigsaw Puzzles

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

horror jigsaw puzzle
I tried one of these Horror Movie Jigsaw Puzzles, but they scared me so bad I had to go back to those grandma puzzles with the flowers and the fields and stuff. I don’t want to put together a jigsaw with…Jigsaw. “Do you want to play a game?” Well, yeah, but I thought you meant Monopoly or risk. Say, when can I get this bear trap off my head? My jaw is starting to hurt. What do you mean I sound like your last girlfriend? Hey! That’s messed up.

Anyway, you’re just a more modern and twisted Riddler without the green costume. Arrrrrgggghhhh! Why did the chair just shock me? You said you had cake! Where’s my cake? I should have known better than to trust some puppet dude who rides a tricycle!
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Your Daddy’s In Jail Stick Figure Family Decal

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dad in jail stick figure family
Use this Your Daddy’s In Jail Stick Figure Family Decal to tell everyone that daddy went away for awhile. Now you have to visit him behind glass. And mommy cries a lot. Obviously, before he left, daddy made a LOT of kids. Damn. 5 kids? Dude probably doesn’t wanna get out. 3 square meals, no nagging and no little wallet-thumpers to worry about? He’s probably getting into like 10 fights a week just to make sure he keeps that room and board secure.

I shouldn’t joke. This is just sad. Daddy’s in jail. This decal is a good sign that the woman driving is available and in need though.

My Little Pony Alien Xenomorph: Friendship Is Tragic

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

my little pony alien xenomorph
Aren’t you a cute wittle My Little Pony Alien Xenomorph. Who’s the cutest wutest wittle awein? I got your nose! Yes I did. I got your nose! ARRRRGHHHHH! It took a finger!

I should have got a Facehugger! At least it hugs you while it kills you! Bad Xenomorph. Bad! I would point at you while I say that, but I have no finger! Who the hell are you, anyway? Rainbow Slash? To Death?
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I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

speeding because i have to poop keychain
What seems to be the problem here officer?

You were doing 70 mph in a 10 mph school zone.

*Presents I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring*

You a funny guy?

Sometimes, but right now I’m prairie doggin’ it like crazy.

Can I see your license and registration- What in the name of god is that smell? Is there a dead corpse in the trunk?

*Reaches in back pocket for my now butt-mud covered wallet. Offers it to the officer with butt-mud covered fingers*

*Cop gags and retches. Covers his mouth with a cloth.* I’ve seen a lot in my career, but you sir are a disgusting human being! Get the hell out of here and get yourself checked for something dead inside you!

*On the road again. Looks at key chain* Well, that didn’t help!