Tag: accessory

I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring

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speeding because i have to poop keychain
What seems to be the problem here officer?

You were doing 70 mph in a 10 mph school zone.

*Presents I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring*

You a funny guy?

Sometimes, but right now I’m prairie doggin’ it like crazy.

Can I see your license and registration- What in the name of god is that smell? Is there a dead corpse in the trunk?

*Reaches in back pocket for my now butt-mud covered wallet. Offers it to the officer with butt-mud covered fingers*

*Cop gags and retches. Covers his mouth with a cloth.* I’ve seen a lot in my career, but you sir are a disgusting human being! Get the hell out of here and get yourself checked for something dead inside you!

*On the road again. Looks at key chain* Well, that didn’t help!

Eyeball Cufflinks

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eyeball cuff links
Eye love these Eyeball Cufflinks. Eye will wear them with my fancy wedding/funeral clothes, cuz the only time I dress up is when people die and men die hardest when they wed. That’s why I called my second marriage Die Hard 2: Die Harder. I’ve been a box office flop ever since.

Whoa! Hey! Hang on! Just want to be clear that doesn’t mean I can’t get it up. That’s not what flop means here.

Whatevs. These eyeball cufflinks are all blinky and stuff. Freak people out and hold your arms up all day as if you can see through their eyes. Because you can! Because that hand rolled tobacco that dude just gave you has kicked in and now you in the Matrix son! Blue pill or red pill? Pffft! I’mma mash ’em into a purple pill and be the ever lovin’ architect biatches!

Stretchy Grilled Cheese Necklace

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grilled cheese necklace
This is the kind of Krafting I can fully support. See what I did there? As in Kraft cheese. Let me just warn you all that I am a grilled cheese animal. If you are wearing this Stretchy Grilled Cheese Necklace in my presence, I will bite at it and lick your neck like it’s our first date, because technically it will be.

You get a hickey or two, I lose a tooth or two. Seems like a fair trade to me. I’ll calm down once I realize that’s a fake gooey grilled cheese. Hopefully you’ll calm down before a restraining order is necessary.

This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set Is A Real Pain In The Neck

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veins and arteries necklace
Whoa! This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set makes it look like you have some serious blood problems, because everyone can see your veins.

You’re so vein. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

This 2 necklace set puts your insides on your outside. Not for me though. Veiny days and Mondays always get me down. And that’s all of the music jokes I’m writing today, because you young whippersnappers won’t even get it. Seriously. Listen to some music from before you were born once in a while. I practice what I preach. Which is why I have an old-timey wax cylinder record player with a giant cone for a speaker. Got a date with a flapper tonight too. Hoping to get all dirty and nasty up in this hizzouse and see some ankle.

This Black Light Reactive Spine Has Backbone

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black light spine
I really should get one of these Black Light Reactive Spines. My wife is ALWAYS going on about how I need to grow one or get one. All guys scream when they see a mouse and need to be slapped until they stop. Am I right? I’ll show her. I’ll get a spine by actually buying a spine. One that glows like it is radioactive and makes me look like a walking X-Ray.

The Paleotron Spine is made from Laser-Cut and Engraved Acrylic, joined together with Stainless Steel Split Rings, and harnessed to the body with chains clasped by a Circular Gate Ring. Two replaceable, battery powered black light LEDs fit into one of the higher vertebrae and the pelvic piece to provide a slight glow in any dark space.

This is perfect for me cuz just like how the deeper you go down into the ocean, the more phosphorescent and luminescent the sea life is, I’m a nerd from a basement that deep. If you delve down through the depths into my lair you’ll see me doing my glowing thing in my natural dark environment as I play my PS4 and nibble on small shrimp that look like cheese puffs. Try not to kick up the dust. It takes forever to settle again since I bought games instead of a vacuum.
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