Tag: tail

Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers: Catch The Tiger By The Tail

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Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers Catch The Tiger By The Tail
These Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers will finally let me live out my dream of catching a tiger by the tail. You do that with a real tiger and the tiger catches you by the hand and leaves ya with a bloody stump. Sadly, they aren’t my size. They’re for kids, who get all of the cool stuff. It really bums me out too, cuz my dream was to wear them while eating some Frosted Flakes. Mom would ask me if I liked my new shoes and I would shove my spoon hand in the air and yell, “THEY’RE GREAT!” then act like it never happened.

Oh well, you can’t live out all of your dreams. I feel like I’ve already accomplished a lot just by rising to the heights of “professional fat nerd blogger in underwear”. Wasn’t easy to get here either. Had to make a lot of sacrifices, like friends, love, thinness… Yeah, that’s why. Just leave it okay! I don’t want to talk about it. It IS NOT the Oreos! Anyway, a tiger doesn’t change his stripes. Well, not unless he has some spray paint.
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Shimmering Hologram Mermaid Tail Skirt

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Shimmering Hologram Mermaid Tail Skirt
Well call me Aquaman and slap me with your mermaid tail, you have one fine set of fish fins. No, don’t really slap me. I hate getting slapped with fish. It happens more often than you might think. This Shimmering Hologram Mermaid Tail Skirt is all kinds of sexy. Say, why are mermaids never actually maids? You never see Ariel cleaning up the house, dusting all the knick-knacks and doing laundry, having to hop in the shower or the kiddie pool every 15 minutes to keep her mermaid skin wet.

I’m gonna start a mer-maid service and get a whole stable of mermaids to clean rich people’s houses. What’s the name for a whole group of them? A gaggle? Heh. More like a waggle, judging by the way they sway their hips when they swim. A maraude. That’s it. A maraude of mermaids. A mess. A masquerade. A mirage. See, now I’m just grasping at scales, which usually ends with a mer-tail slapping my face. Which I usually deserve.

This Black Light Reactive Spine Has Backbone

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black light spine
I really should get one of these Black Light Reactive Spines. My wife is ALWAYS going on about how I need to grow one or get one. All guys scream when they see a mouse and need to be slapped until they stop. Am I right? I’ll show her. I’ll get a spine by actually buying a spine. One that glows like it is radioactive and makes me look like a walking X-Ray.

The Paleotron Spine is made from Laser-Cut and Engraved Acrylic, joined together with Stainless Steel Split Rings, and harnessed to the body with chains clasped by a Circular Gate Ring. Two replaceable, battery powered black light LEDs fit into one of the higher vertebrae and the pelvic piece to provide a slight glow in any dark space.

This is perfect for me cuz just like how the deeper you go down into the ocean, the more phosphorescent and luminescent the sea life is, I’m a nerd from a basement that deep. If you delve down through the depths into my lair you’ll see me doing my glowing thing in my natural dark environment as I play my PS4 and nibble on small shrimp that look like cheese puffs. Try not to kick up the dust. It takes forever to settle again since I bought games instead of a vacuum.
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Moby Whisk: Whisk It With A Whale Tail

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moby whisk
When some batter comes along, you must whisk it. Now whisk it. Whisk it good. With a whale tail. Whale hello! This mixing whisk has a whale tail. Thankfully, not the kind you see at Walmart. For those you would need a much bigger bowl. It is taking the kitchens of animal lovers everywhere by storm and goes perfectly with the Loch Ness Monster Ladle.

Have a whale of a good time while whipping up some food for the family. It’s really over-whale-ming.
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Oh Deer: Whitetail Deer Thermometer

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deer tail thermometerHow do you know when it’s cold outside? Apparently, when you check the temperature on a thermometer that’s sticking out of a deer’s rectum. Makes sense to me. I mean, why check the temp on my iPhone when I can look at a deer’s ass?

Alright, it’s not really mounted in the rectum. You are just getting a deer tail mounted upright so that it looks like a deer is getting it’s temperature taken. It’s either that or an un-decorated redneck Christmas tree.