Tag: accessory

Awesome Alien Embroidered Patches

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

alien embroidery
Are you a member of the mile high club? Let me ask a different way. Have you had an energy beam capture you and suck you up into the mothership, only to find yourself bent over a cold exam table and getting what those in the E.T. industry like to call “the business”? If you have, then yeah, you’re a member. Put some cream on that thing and get yourself some kick-butt alien patches from this Etsy shop.

These are for members only. They’re pretty funny. There’s an alien with a human head trophy, Jesus, an E.T. reading a “meat” recipe book with a human on the cover and one wearing a human for a scarf. These are gonna look sweet on that denim jacket I’ve been saving for when such things make a comeback. I think the time is right.
Read more “Awesome Alien Embroidered Patches”

Monster Neckties

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster neck tie
It takes a certain kind of weird monster to wear a suit and tie everyday and grovel to the man from behind a desk, while whiling the time away and earning that sweet cheddar. It’s not for me. In fact most days, pants and a shirt isn’t even for me. Oddly enough, footy Pokemon pajamas are for me. Like everyday. Ewww. That smell. But they’re so comfy.

Anyway, if you have to wear a tie everyday, try one of these monster ties from Etsy seller tiestory. I’m gonna wear two at once and make it a Creature Double Feature.
Read more “Monster Neckties”

Creature Teeth License Plate Frame

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

creature teeth license plate frameScare the hell out of anyone who dares to tailgate you on the open road with this Creature Teeth License Plate Frame. I suggest you use it with plates like 1EATUN0W. Or just, you know, drive around without a license plate. You can say that this frame ate it. I’m pretty sure license plates are strictly optional like seat belts and windshields. I wouldn’t know since I tool around on my banana seat bicycle all day. I really should clean the bananas off the seat. It attracts flies.

Go ahead and laugh, but I don’t get stuck in traffic jams, I don’t buy gas and my bicycle bell sounds friggin’ awesome! *Ding Ding, Ding Ding* “Go back in your homes kids, it only sounds like the ice cream man”.

“More like the Kool-Aid man! Fatty!” *Kid ducks back inside*

“Why you little-!”

*Ditches bike in the grass and runs through the kid’s brick wall* Oh yeah!

The Bra Pouch: Shake Your Money Maker

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bra purse
Etsy seller JamesKelleysShop offers some unique coin purses that are made out of women’s bras. These over the shoulder boulder holders will hold coins, make up, your ID, everything but baby milky snacks. James is clearly a bro that loves bras. As are we all. Looking for something a little bigger to hold your tablet? Tough titty.

Don’t be a boob, carry your most important accessories the same way women carry theirs.

Pro tip: Can be used as an awesome and effective slingshot when needed. Put a rock in it and hit some dude on the head so he grows a nipple on his scalp. No, don’t do that bra. I mean bro!

Bank Tube Purse

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bank tube purse
This bank tube purse will come in handy the next time my wife asks me to get her purse. I’ll just pop it in the tube with a deposit slip and let it fly away until it comes out the other side to hit my wife in the head.

Then she’ll forget what she asked for and she’ll sign it and send it back, thinking she’s making a deposit. Then I collect the money! Sweet. I’ll have a PS4 in no time now. Thank you bank tube purse. And thank you for banking at the First National Bank of me.