Tag: accessory

This Spider Fang Ring Looks Deadly

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This Spider Fang Ring Looks Deadly
I use this Spider Fang Ring like brass knuckles. That bite. Don’t mess with me man, I have a spider bite that will incapacitate you. I’m talking some serious venom. The kind you have to fly to peru to get a antidote for. Okay, the fangs are just coated with windex and pledge cuz that’s how I clean the ring, but I bet it still gives you a nasty infection. Especially with one of these rings on each finger.

*Kisses my ring hands* You want some of this twin army of spider fangs in yo face son? I call this hand the Black Widow and I call this one the widower. The first is gonna put you in the hospital, the second is gonna hit you say hard your wife will feel it- Hey let go. What are you doing? Why are you gripping my spider fang hands so I can’t attack? No! No, of course I don’t like punching myself and no! No, I don’t know why I’m doing it. No, I can’t stop. *Crying* No, I won’t say it! *Sobs* Really, you’ll stop if I say it? Okay, okay! “Fangs for the memories!” *Falls to knees and cries myself to sleep in the fetal position*

Tentacles and Teeth Pocket Watch

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Tentacles and Teeth Pocket Watch
Let me see what time it is. I don’t want to be late for- DEAR EFFING GOD! This Tentacles and Teeth Pocket Watch won’t give you the time, but it might give you a heart attack. What time is it guv-ner? You dare ask me for the time you timeless cretin? Here let me show you. *Guy screams and holds his head.* There’s the time! It’s teeth and tentacle time! Look closer! It’s half past horror and a quarter to insanity! Now off with you, before I show you the alarm function!

If this watch takes a licking,but keepson ticking, it can die,cuz I ain’t lickin’ that.

Zombie Friendship Keychains – Apocalypse Partners

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Zombie Friendship Necklace - Apocalypse Partners
Freddy Mercury said it best. Friends will be friends… Kind of obvious in retrospect, but there you have it. Friends are friends. Right till the end. Sometimes that end is a zombie apocalypse, with you shooting your friend in the head because your BFF is a dirty rotten zombie. That’s the way it goes. Doesn’t mean you aren’t friends. Just means you don’t want them eating your brain. Anyway, this Zombie Friendship Keychains set signifies that you and your BFF are zombie apocalypse partners and that you vow to do whatever it takes when the zombies roam the streets. Even if that thing is splitting up and running when you see the undead.

Even though it means that you will never find each other again, while you live a harsh life of survival, doing whatever you have to to get by, so that 5 years later your shaggy bearded self checks the zombie traps you set (the ones where they step on a trigger and a blade swings down, chopping their heads off) only to find a headless zombie body and the other half of your keychain in its pocket.

*Tears* So sad. Still friends. But so sad.

Free Hugs – Skeleton Hands and Arms Necklace

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Skeleton Hands and Arms Necklace
There’s nothing like the cold dead embrace of skeleton arms around your neck. Except when your grave robbing and fall in and the skeleton hugs you like crazy while you’re just screaming and freaking out, but enough about my weekend. This Skeleton Hands and Arms Necklace is like a bony hug all day long from a skeleton that loves you. There’s no guarantee that those bony hands won’t touch your boob and cop a feel now and then, but that’s the chance you take. Just smack its hand and it will behave. Maybe.
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Phrenology Head Cufflinks

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Phrenology Head Cufflinks
Phrenology is the study of the head. True science. You can learn a lot by looking at a head. Like if it has lice or hasn’t been washed in like 5 days. So totally true. These Phrenology Head Cufflinks honor this science and put some classic looking cue balls on your cuffs.

Go ahead, feel my head and tell me all about my metal disorders and personality traits.

*Touches my head and massages my scalp.* This spot says that you are a very creative person.

Nah, that’s just where I fell and hit my head. Although I was creatively doing Jackass stunts at the time and having my friend hit me in the nuts while going down a windy mountain road doing about 50 in a shopping cart.

This area is all about your sex life.

Is it small? Is it a tiny area? Yeah, then that’s accurate too.

See, it’s a real science. No doubt about it.