Tag: animal

Rhino Hoof Boots

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rhino hoof boots
These Rhino Hoof Boots make anyone look like Hillary Clinton. Dang! Did he just say that? Bang! Zing! Burn! Well leggo my Eggo and yankle my cankle! Thems some big hoofs! The seller says they were originally made for a Rocksteady costume, (You know, the rhinoceros guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) but I guess even he was like, “Yeah, too Hillary for me. Can we slim things up a bit?”

You know now that I see them in mom jeans, they don’t look so bad. I’ve seen far worse. Of course, I worked with elephants for a year.

Did you run away and join the circus?

No way. Talking about that time I worked for Jenny Craig, passing out flyers.

That’s mean!

Tell me about it. Took me a whole year to actually read those flyers. They had a picture of me with the caption, “Do NOT feed this man!” Hurtful! That also explained why I never got paid and why I had to buy my own meals only from them and talk about why I eat my feelings.

Thanks a lot mom. “Oh I talked to some people and got a job for you.”, she said. “They have a very strict eating policy.”, she said. “Just company rules.”

I’m out. Gotta go stuff it all deep down inside. Under a hot apple pie.

Dinosaur Toothbrush Holders

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dinosaur toothbrush holder
My parents used to say, “Brush your teeth, or you’ll go extinct like the dinosaurs!” My grandparents used to say, “Bwush or teef or ul gah estint lit da vinotars.” My grandparents had no teeth. And were dinosaurs. So they knew what they were talking about.

Brush your teeth kids. Like boobs and testes, you only get one set. And these Dinosaur Toothbrush Holders from Etsy seller SnarlingBunny(Stop snarling at me! Why are you foaming at the mouth? Great, I have rabies now!) make brushing fun.
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Cuddle Clones Turn Your Pet Into A Stuffed Animal

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cuddle clones
Cuddle Clones is a service that makes a stuffed animal version of your pet from a picture. They look pretty realistic. It gives your dog a doppelganger. Or is that dogpelganger? This service also comes in handy if Fido kicks the bucket. That way you can remember him. If you want to be really weird, you can go right on taking Fido for walksies and poopsies. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

I wonder if they do humans. I not only need a buddy for the carpool lane, I also need something to put in my bed to fool my wife when I sneak out at night to gamble and drink. Nah. I never do anything that manly. It’s mostly just late night computer games and trolling online. If this doppelganger works, the My Little Pony forums won’t know what hit them.
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Animal Head Shoulder Bags

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animal head shoulder bag
Etsy seller BENWINEWIN sells some cute and weird big-head animal shoulder bags. You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. You mean get low ratings and change your programming to show everything but animal shows? Well, I kinda meant dry humping the corner of the couch, but whatevs.

Nothing says fashion like a large cat or dog head at your hip with no body in sight. Which reminds me of the time that Cat Ghost head appeared over my bed that one night and scratched my face.

Ow!

Ow?

Yeah ouch! You hit me, so ow! Me Ow! As in Me ow! What gives?

I told them I could make you say it. Stupid human! The first phase is complete! We are the Cat Ghosts. We are legion. Expect us.

Then it coughed up an ectoplasmic furball and vanished. I think we are in for a real s**tstorm people!
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Fleece Sloth Animal Hat

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fleece sloth hat
This Brown Fleece Sloth Animal Hat will keep you warm, but it will take all damn day to do it. Do you have any idea how slow Sloths are? They’re full of slow slothhy sloth-ness, which is a medical condition. You would have to tell this hat, “Hey, I’m going out next week and it’s going to be cold. I’m gonna put you on my head now. So get your s*it together and start placing your arms in ear-warming and scarf positions now.”

It might be ready by next week if you’re lucky. What the hell is the Sloth’s problem? It’s so damn chill and slow. The stoner of the animal kingdom. Are there no predators you are worried about? Speed it up man! Even I got predators. What’s that? Oh right. Those are creditors. Always get them confused.
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