Bats! When you care enough to send the very best! These Bat Goth Cards are perfect for any occasion: Graduating mortician school, becoming head witch of your coven, celebrating a new line of black lipstick and more. There’s always an excuse to send bats! I’m hoping I get some in the mail today myself. Send me bats and you are a friend for life.
Tag: cards
Serial Killer Valentines
Serial killers need love too. If you love a demented killer, give them one of these Serial Killer Valentines. If you are a serial killer, give someone you love these valentines, but if you do, DON”T KILL THEM! I can’t stress that enough. It defeats the whole point of giving them a valentine if you kill them. Wait what? Well yeah, if you call yourself the Valentine’s Day killer I guess that’s fine. Not that I approve. I’m just saying you make a good point.
Blog post finished. Yes!
Now to check my mailbox for Valentines from fans. Sweet! Got one! Cool it has Jason Voorhees on it! *Gets impaled through the back and killed by a killer wearing a smiling heart for a head. *Dying breaths* It’s…you…Valentine’s Day…killer. *gasps. dies*
Monster Valentines Day Cards
Don’t be a monster. Treat your girl or guy right this Valentine’s Day. Give them these Monster Valentines Day Cards. The real monsters are the ones that show up empty handed during VD. These remind me of those fun cards everyone was giving each other in school when I was a kid. Well, I wasn’t getting any. Not much has changed. I’m all grown up and still not getting any.
It’s cool, I usually buy myself 5 pounds of assorted chocolates and lock myself in my room for the day. It’s just like what I imagine the life-cycle of real love is like: A whirlwind romance, with a lot of time spent between the sheets and before you know it, you wake up cramping and not being able to poop for a week. Just guessing.
Anywho these monster valentines are pretty cool. They feature various horror monsters carrying a girl off with a heart behind them. And the girl doesn’t even look that scared compared to that time I tried it and ended up in the Police Station overnight until they decided I was too stupid to be the local serial killer. Unless I was a copy cat. I was like, “no way, I don’t copy. I’m 100 percent original in what I do.” For some reason that made them change their mind and I stayed much longer.
Bad Parenting Cards
These “bad parenting” cards from Etsy seller DorkyDutch confuse me. Are they saying that my parents were terrible? Tell me something I don’t know. You know what they say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. My parents believed in, “Get the damn rod, junior’s acting up again. That’ll teach you to put the remote 2 inches off center”.
Dad was slightly OCD. Every time I screamed, he had to start over from the beginning and take a drink between each whack, while counting “One Mississippi, two Mississippi”, while blowing his nose. Good times. Dad was right, cuz I ain’t spoiled. Still sore 30 years later, with a permanent dent in my butt cheeks and emotionally scarred for life, but not spoiled.
Dad would love these cards. Maybe I’ll send him one for his birthday. It’s sure to bring back all kinds of warm and fuzzy memories. These cards offer questionable parenting scenes, like stitching your kids lips together if he snitches, or chopping his hands off if he steals. Thank God I turned out alright and so well adjusted.
Bad sock hand puppet. You ended the article before I was done. Time to face the stick. Stop squirming. One Mississippi…
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Vintage Deck of Cards Straitjacket
Any 8s? Nope. Go fish. Any Aces? Nope. Go fish. This game is boring. Why don’t we play something else? Like crazy 8s? Well, because that game is too damn crazy. That’s why I have my deck secured in a straight jacket. So it doesn’t hurt itself or others with it’s sharp edges. I also have it taking some pills and talking to a counselor once a week.
This straight jacket for cards is perfect for that one crazy deck you have that’s dangerous and deranged. It would also be perfect for keeping a haunted deck restrained. No cards are escaping this straight jacket!
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