Haunted Clown Doll Lays The Smack Down And Leaves A Burning Hand Print

haunted slap markThis little clown seen below looks harmless. Weird, but harmless. The story goes that a nice mother in law bought this doll two months ago for the seller’s 9 month old son Isaac. He was purchased from an antique center in Springfield, Ohio. They named him “Louie”.

Soon after, there were issues with items in the nursery being moved: Diapers hidden under the crib, clothing being removed from the dresser and thrown on the floor and they even woke up one night to the sound of Isaac babbling loudly. They rushed into his nursery and every single stuffed animal he had in the toy box was sitting upright with him in bed.
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The True Form Of Nicolas Cage

The True Form Of Nicolas CageWhen not selling pieces of what is left of his soul in Hollywood and staring at people until they say, “Im’ma smack you Nicolas Cage!”, this is what he looks like. Exposed! I exposed you. How do you like that, you unblinking, smoothed face tool of the Illuminati? (I don’t know that he is an Illuminati tool. I just know he is a tool. And obviously evil)
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Indian Ghost Haunts Children’s Book

indian bookNo doubt upset by the fact that we took their land and no longer even include profiles of them on our currency, Indians have taken to haunting our children’s books. The seller says:
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Devil Phone Gives You a Direct Line To Hell

devil phoneThis art piece is appropriately called “He Only Calls Me When He’s Horny“. For the record, I just get busy. I mean to call, but then I get distracted by work, video games, action figures, and writing Star Wars fan-fiction, in that order. By then my schedule is clear enough to fit some other things in. It’s just a coincidence that I’m horny at that time. It has nothing to do with Jar-Jar fisting an Ewok.

Now that that is clear, this phone looks like the devil. And it is totally horny. For some extra creepy reason, it has a soundboard inside that makes it cry like a baby. Only $250.

A Suitcase For Head Cases

head case suitcaseTry explaining this suitcase to the TSA. “What ya got in there?” Oh crap. “Nothin’ sir. Please don’t grope my balls.” The Orwellian mongoloid snaps his glove on his wrist and winks at the Obama poster on the wall, also blowing a kiss. Then he turns back to you. “Looks like your smuggling some heads in their sir. You wanna step aside so I can give you a cavity search?” You scratch your head. “Oh, well that’s not so bad. I go to the dentist regularly. Hey wait just a-”

It all ends with the pair of you smoking a cigarette in an empty room. You, bent over a table, with your pants at your ankles and the TSA goon removing his soiled glove. You start to speak, but he gently puts a finger to your lips as your eyes meet. “Shhhhhhhhh.”, he whispers. “No words.”