Tag: fake food

Decorative Coffin Full Of Chocolate

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

decorative chocolate coffinSweeeet! A Decorative Coffin along with the chocolate that’s gonna put me inside it’s cramped embrace one day! Important note: These aren’t real chocolates, which is why my first bite ended in agony with bits of broken tooth all over my floor. Tried superglue, but that just made my mouth look like tetris pieces all lined up like in a game played by a twitchy speed freak.

So it was back to the dentist. I walk in and it’s the usual. Sees me. Smiles like a lunatic. Pulls up some luxury car websites on his iPad and asks what I’m going to be buying him today. I like that he includes his victims in his purchase decisions. Looks in my mouth. I point and say “Tetris”. He looks deeper. “No. That’s more like Jenga. Let’s get started. Which piece should I remove first? Love this game.”

After that I just remember waking up to him yelling “YAHTZEE!” and shaking my teeth in a cup with some nurses in the corner of the room.
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Needle Felted Zombie Valentine’s Day Candy

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felted valentines candy
This Valentine’s Day give the gift of Needle Felted Zombie Candy. I hear they are delicious, but give you a serious case of cotton mouth. Plus, no calories!

So basically this is the perfect gift if your wife is getting a little thick around her dump trunk. Whoa! We were all thinking it. I’m just saying it’s the perfect gift. And since these little zombie treats are felt, your diet is safe. It’s a gift that says “I love you, but there is enough of you right now and it is making the couch bow.”
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Orna-Meat: Meat Christmas Ornaments

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meat ornamentsThese meat ornaments will look good on my tree this year. There’s nothing like a tree full of steaks to get a jolly fat man to leave you more gifts. It worked for me last year. I got a Christmas miracle. Sort of.

Last year I threw all kinds of meat on my tree, steaks, fish, lunch meat, I even made a star out of hot dogs and rubber bands. I just knew that tubby old elf couldn’t resist. I lay in bed that night listening to the noise of Santa rummaging around and bumping into stuff. He hissed several times and even broke some of my knick knacks.

In the morning my sleepy eyes awakened to the magic day. I went out to the tree..The damn cats had attacked the tree like furry piranha. They were still gorging themselves. The Christmas miracle under my tree was a ring of cat s**t all the way around. Another ring of cat vomit around that.

Meat. It would have worked if not for those damned cats!

Fou Lard Bacon Scarf

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bacon scarThis Fou Lard Bacon scarf looks delicious. It should keep you warm in the winter months and not make your neck all greasy like the real thing. Fun fact: The French word for a silk scarf is foulard. So…Fou Lard. That’s word play. Which is foreplay for scrabble players. I think.

Basically the guys who make this say that the word is composed by fou (insane) and lard (bacon). If bacon is insane then call my frying pan an asylum and lets give ’em all some really hot therapy. The doctor is in and it’s a good day when all of the patients end up in my tummy.

Do I even know what I’m saying? Not really? I’m mesmerized by the idea of bacon on one’s neck.
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Felt Food: Looks Delicious, Is Not Nutritious

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felt foodEtsy seller Tatestastees owes me a lunch. Thanks for making me hungry and offering nothing but tasty looking felt food. I tried to eat one of your cornish game hens and it gave me cotton mouth. On the plus side, I had the softest poop of my life. I might do it again. Very relaxing and cleansing. (Word of warning. DO NOT mistype the seller name. Tatespastees only has stuff to cover your nips. Glad to pass that on.)

If you have a felt food fetish, welcome to heaven. Tatestastees has all kinds of felt food. French fries, meat, pizza, lasagna and much more. Click through for more images.
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