Tag: fun

Zombie Apocalypse Partners Key Chains

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zombie apocalypse partners
These Zombie Apocalypse Partners Key Chains are a must have when the undead are shambling around, with bits of skin flaking off and on a quest for brains. You’re my partner right? You mean so much to me. You’re my bestest bestie. Here, take this. It’s dangerous to go alone.

*Two weeks later after we’ve been separated.* Take that zombie. *Knife to the undead head.* Don’t ever try to hug me you undead sack of- What the-

*Looks at keychain sticking out of it’s pocket. A tear gently streams down my face*

Guillotine Necklace: Heads Will Roll

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Guillotine Necklace Heads Will Roll
Heads will roll, I mean turn, when you wear this awesome Guillotine Necklace. You should totally get a little action figure and put it’s head in this. Something innocent like E.T. or C-3PO. I hate both those guys. Is it Gee-O-Tine or Gill-O-Tine? I can never get that right. Gill-O-Tine sounds like a protein drink for fish. Pretty sure that ain’t right. Whatevs.

It’s a sharp and primitive instrument of death. For your neck.

Nightmare Before Christmas Violins

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Nightmare Before Christmas Violins
Etsy seller ChildatHeartPainter makes all kinds of cool Tim Burton inspired violins and guitars and stuff. They’re pretty cool. Practice makes perfect. You ask me, practice is just the nightmare before concert.

Reminds me of that one cello concert I was dragged to once. The guy gets up on stage and he’s all like, “Ladies and gentlemen…Yo Yo Ma!” And I swear he was looking at me when he said it.

Naturally, I was all like, “The f**k? What’d you say about my ma?” Then I rushed the stage and gave him a refreshing drink. Of Hawaiian punch! See, my fists had been on vacation until now.

Just as the cops were rushing onto the stage, the other guy explained that, “No. I am Yo Yo Ma!”

“Shut up. My mom is not a yo-yo! You haven’t all had a spin! Stop saying that!” That was when the cops tasered me. I hate classical music.
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Dinosaur Fossil Coasters

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Dinosaur Fossil Coasters
People often say to me, “Shut up you old fossil” or “Who dug up that old fossil?” By people, I mean kids. I usually just shake my fist and mutter. Like it’s my fault that male pattern baldness and lady hips magically appeared on my 18th birthday. I’m from the GMO generation. My endocrines disrupted like it was a party up in here and it’s ladies night! Oh what a night! 30 is the new “Holy f**k it’s coffin buying time.” I got the cheapest option with the brass handles BTW. Just in case you want to know.

Anyway, these dinosaur fossil coasters are friggin’ awesome. No bones about it. If I wasn’t already using fast food napkins, I’d be on these in a heartbeat. These is classy. Enjoy them before you’re 30.
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Fruit Bat Necklace

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Fruit Bat Necklace
Wear this fruit bat necklace and let the cute little guy have a go at your own low hanging fruit. Hey, nothing wrong with low hanging fruit. It’s the easiest to pluck. You should see my man-mammaries. My fruit hangs so low to my gut, I got a fruit basket. It’s the gift I give myself.

Yes yes. I’m sure you are all firm and tight. *rolls eyes* Anyway, let this fruit bat sleep above your breasts. No, not me. Though I wouldn’t mind. I would be a good little fruit bat, I promise. I’m talking ’bout fruit bat!
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