That’s right. This is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Crucifixion. Why does it exist? No idea. Cuz pain meds maybe. I’m not sure if this is Raphael, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Socrates, or whatever the hell the other ones are named, but he clearly died for our sins. So be good to one another cuz God is making a list and checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice. Oh wait. My bad. that’s Santa Claus.
Are you my poop buddy? I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine. Pinky promise? Gross! Your finger has dukey on it. Anyway, these Poop Buddies Forever Coffee Mugs are perfect for you and your poop buddy. Friends. The buddy system. That’s what it’s all about. It’s all about friends helping friends poop. I think. Maybe it’s about two friends slamming their poop filled hands together to activate super powers. No idea. Maybe it’s about one guy being the lookout, while the other guy drops a Cleveland steamer by the side of the highway. If so, I’m a good friend.
The Highway patrol will never get you for doing the doggy squat while I’m on guard. They’ll get you for indecent exposure and kidnapping instead cuz I don’t know you and I’m just glad to be free and all over the local news. It was quite an ordeal. *tears*. He wanted me to drink from his Poop Buddies Forever Coffee Mug. *sobs* Wrap that rescue blanket around me. Which camera should I look into? That one? *Crying* I just want to go home now. It was horrible.
You know how the pyramids were built by aliens? Well they also visited baby Jeebus and came bearing gifts. All around the world, people celebrate the three alien wisemen who arrived that day to see the boy king of kings and now you can celebrate this trio in your own home by displaying the Three Alien Wisemen Christmas Ornament Set.
You get Grog’nok, Pilch’nark and Gil’mek all carrying the ceremonial stars to give to baby Jeebus as a gift. One by one they approached the manger and gave the gift, and in doing so, exposed their nakedness to everyone in the manger. It is the alien way. Bring only enough to cover yourself and then run back to the spacecraft.
Oh damn!!!!! Burn! OH NO HE DIT INT! Snap! I guess he told you! The ghost of Michael Jackson is not gonna be happy about this Alien vs Predator Pin. Not one bit.
This is the New Hampshire vampire that allegedly assaulted a grocery store employee a few days ago. As you can see, the police must have filed down his fangs before the picture. Police violence man! #VampTeethMatter So basically a female employee was taking boxes out to the dumpster when the vampire approached her asking if she needed help. No word on if he had a Transylvania accent or if he just sounded as wasted as he looks. Then he broke every rule of being a vampire and hunting for your prey: He told her he was a vampire and began running towards her. Did he hiss and raise a cape to his face? We have no idea, thanks to shoddy journalism.
So the woman ran inside the store yelling for help as the vampire yelled, “just touch me, I can save you.” Then he wrapped his arms around her and she fell to the ground. That’s how you know this story is true. He used his powers to apparently put her to sleep. Then he attacked another employee who tried to fight him off and the dude probably lifted a cross and prayed for Jesus to deliver him from the clutches of this fearsome meth-pire.
When they arrested the vampire, he tried to glamor their asses, telling the officer that he was a “vampire, ghost rider, Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid, and a leader of a band.” Assuming that his true identity as Captain Meth from planet WhereTheFugAmI was now safely protected, he went off to jail, where he presumably sits in the corner mumbling and building a nest out of toilet paper, as he slowly wets a piece in his mouth and builds. Wet and build. Wet and build.
