Tag: gross

Varnished Cotton Briefs: Mom’s E.R. Nightmare

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Varnished Cotton Briefs Mom's E.R. Nightmare
When I first saw these Varnished Cotton Briefs, I thought someone had been going through my drawers. Hey, don’t judge. I had an accident at the chocolate factory. The factory was my butt. All of the employees are now laid off. I couldn’t afford all of them working overtime and getting triple pay on taco night. By them I mean the magic gremlins that live in my colon.

This decorative pair of underwear is the crustiest, the most vile, the dirtiest pair of nad covers I have ever seen. Them is some crusty crack coveralls. Seriously, it has real crust. And not the good stuffed crust kind. What is that stuff? This nasty specimen is based on that old gem that mom’s always throw at you before you leave the house. “You better put on clean underwear in case you get into an accident.” Good advice, cuz if you show up at the E.R. wearing these, the CDC is getting involved and whole towns will get shut down. I don’t blame them at all.

This sellers mom never bothered telling them to put on clean underwear. Apparently their mom just tells them to varnish it and put it on Etsy.

Poop Monster

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

Poop Monster
I think we’ve all seen these guys. You’re minding your own business eating like your 10th taco when suddenly you start to cramp and have to make a run for the border. You strain, you curse, you do that fast pregnancy breathing thing and boom, next thing you know you drop a Poop Monster. Mine usually looks sad and waves his stumpy poop arms at me before I flush and whisk him away to the land of fecal enchantment.

Octopus Lamp

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Octopus Lamp
Damn. This Octopus lamp is scary as hell.

Daddy, why is that Octopus wrestling that lamp?

You see Billy, when an Octopus loves a lamp very much, he forcibly grabs the lamp and wraps himself around it so it can’t get away. Then he has his way with it. Hopefully with the lights out. It cares not about permission. I’m sorry you had to see that son.
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Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

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Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float
This Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float reminds me of when I used to live in that place with the huge cockroaches and the backyard pool. I would turn the lights out, let them creep out in the dark and stomp all over these nasty buggers, then go to bed. In the morning I’d go out back to see the mice using their dead bodies for surf boards in the pool.

Okay fine. That place was this place. In the winter it’s the same deal, except they use the dead insect bodies as sleighs. *Doing my best Scarface voice* “F**king Cock-a-roach!”

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

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Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
This nose nose when you need some shower gel. Just like I know how to pick a winner of a weird item. Heh. Pick a winner. Like boogers. If boogers were a lottery I’d be a millionaire by now. And the wall by my bed would be full of numbered lottery balls instead of dried and flicked nose-nuggets.

Give this big honker a squeeze and it will drip out a snot rocket or two so you can get nice and clean. The Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser. drip some boogers and wipe yourself clean with them.