Time to have a denture adventure with this Denture Necklace. Ohhhhhhh gummy! Now when I need a top set cuz I’m trying to chomp down on a Burger King Whopper, I can just grab my necklace and shove ’em in my face. Like those librarians that have their glasses on their necklace, just more disgusting.
Nah. I would never do that. I’m just teething teasing.
That’s a cool pair of Purple Slug Earrings. You know what you call a purple slug right? A purple nurple! *Everyone cover your nips as I go on a rampage* Now that I have that out of my very juvenile system… I actually got out the the juvenile system a few years back cuz they couldn’t try me as an adult. I’m a free man now. I was known as the Purple Nurple Burglar. I would break in at night and do the twist, if you know what I mean. Then run. The statute of limitations ran out and the color has returned to all of the boobies that I wronged.
Cup o’ Fingers anyone? Anybody? No? Too gross? It’s all good, it’s just some creepy crochet that a creeper crafted up. I’m not much into finger food myself. I mean, I’ll eat it with my fingers, sure. Then wipe the grease all over my shirt. What? “Shirts ain’t nothin’ but giant napkins you wear!” Sage advice if I ever heard it. That little gem came from my 400 pound uncle. Probably not the best role model. He was so fat, he had trouble moving, basically had to sit still Buddha style and have food brought to him. Sometimes I would rub his tummy for luck as I passed by. That man wore the same napkin for 20 years… Until napkins stopped fitting him.
Bronze Slug Rings baby! Slugs slithering all in between your fingers that you can use for brass knuckles should some dude mess with you in a dark alley somewhere. What? You want slugs to the face bro? BAM. SLUGGO! These slugs will never let you down. Unless somebody throws salt all over your hands.
This ring is sweet. I just wish I had known about this before I made my slug ring the old fashioned way. By shoving both hands in the garden and pulling ’em back up with nasty gooey slugs between my fingers.
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Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. That’s the sound this Human Heart Candle makes. What, yours is all pitter patter? Yeah, but did you have a six pack of Red Bull and a bag of Oreos? That’s what I thought. Uh-oh. Just started going boom boom boom. *Listens with my stethoscope against the heart. Heart puffs up and then contracts. Something smells funny. I look at the patient.* Did you just heart in here?
Have a heart and heart this hearty heart. I bet you don’t drive much Mr.Heart, cuz I can see you lack the blood vessels. Zing! I like you so much I’m gonna give you an award. Here have this plaque. Oh… Looks like you have enough already. Zing! Alright, don’t have a coronary!