Tag: jewelry

Dragon’s Breath Victorian Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Dragon's Breath Victorian Ring
So that’s what Dragon’s Breath looks like. I pictured something more like dirty undies and onions, mixed with fire. Have a mint bro! This Dragon’s Breath Victorian Ring puts the breath of the dragon right on your finger. I think I can see it swirling around in there, along with the souls of everything it recently ate.

Pffft! I capture dragon’s breath every morning when I wake up facing the wife. One tic-tac gently slid into the cheek usually does the trick.
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Giant Spider Statement Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Giant Spider Statement Ring
Oh look. A Giant Spider Statement Ring. I think I can guess what the statement is: Get it the hell off me! Yep, that’s the statement alright. Seeing a spider ring this big really shows you what massive butts they have. That’s because they have to store all kinds of stuff in the badonkadonk. They have to store all of that spider silk, their poop, their pee, their kids… I’m pretty sure that is scientifically valid, cuz I read it once on the web. The web knows about spiders. Duh!

That’s pretty nasty to be carrying all that around in one sack. That’s like you having a huge triple-duty booty and carrying like 3 blankets, all your poop, all your pee and letting your nasty kids bounce around in all that, while you go about your bidness shopping at Walmart.

Spiders is nasty.
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Skull Cameo Necklace

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Skull Cameo Necklace
This skull cameo necklace is all 3D like a real skull. Pretty neat. Pretty cool. Pretty good. Hey, look everybody. Stan Lee is here to make a cameo appearance. And who’s that? Benedict Cumberbatch! Wait, there’s more.

*Throws open the shutters like it’s Christmas morning and I’ve been up all night with the ghost of Christmas something or other!* Shouts, “It really is a cameo necklace! It’s a star-studded cast! Merry Christmas to everyone!”

Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. You know what else happens? I get a headache.

What? It’s only May? Bah-Humbug. I’m going back to bed until December. Wake me up when I can open presents.
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Cthulhu Potion Necklaces

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Cthulhu Potion Necklaces
Wear these Cthulhu Potion Necklaces from TheCuriousCogsmith and you will never be without potion. Or tentacles. Is it a love potion? I have no idea. Only one way to find out. *Glog glog glog.* Oh yeah. It’s definitely working, cuz I’m in love with these necklaces. Should everything be going hazy and wavy? Is that eye winking at me from within that flailing tentacle? Uh-oh. Here come the magic little elves riding unicorns. Somebody talk me down. I think I’ve been dosed. Shanghaied. Cthulhu-ed. Oh, there he is now, beyond that shimmering gateway. What does he mean “enjoy the trip?” Later guys. I don’t feel so good.
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Gargoyle Engagement Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Gargoyle Engagement Ring
This Gargoyle Engagement Ring features two Gargoyles resting by the roof of a building. You know how you make a Gargoyle? Get engaged. Get cold feet. Then get on the roof and prepare to jump. And since you suck at that too, just sit there for eternity. That’s how you create a Gargoyle.

Yeah, but how do then turn to stone then? Explain that.

The wife shows up below and looks at him.

Huh?

They were about to marry Medusa.

Wow.

Yeah, she has been left at the alter soooooo many times. She’s pretty bitter about it.
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