Tag: novelty

Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Holiday Horror Wreath

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Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Holiday Horror Wreath
This Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Holiday Horror Wreath reminded me that I had a dream about Freddy last night. He was showing me his phone and he’s all like, “Dude, friend me on Facebook.” I was like, “Okay.” Then I had to watch him swipe his phone with his claws and slash my Facebook face for like a million times. It was horrible. I was his only Facebook friend too. Okay, I admit it, he was my only FB friend.

Anyway, this wreath lets you know you have arrived on Elm Street. It’s not so travelers have a fresh set of clothes and can instantly become a supernatural murderer with poor fashion sense.

Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set

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Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set
What the skell man! This Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set has attitude. No really. I get the feeling that it would flip me off if it was still connected to a middle finger. I don’t think he likes me. You get 3 of these grumpy skeleton heads in the set, which is 3 times the heads on my tree that won’t like me on Christmas morning.

C’mon Skelly, don’t be like that. It’s not like I made fun of your name and called you smelly. Or pointed out that your body is missing. You’re a real headcase ya know that? Let’s sing some Christmas songs k?

“I really can’t stay – Baby it’s skulled outside. I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s skulled outside.” Maybe that was a bad choice. We should put on a concert, but maybe not. I know you’re concerned about scalpers… Zing! Burn baby!

Starting to see why ya don’t like me now. I’m kind of an A-hole.

Vampire Soap On A Rope: Skull On A Rope

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Vampire Soap On A Rope
Don’t be a Transylvanian dope, use Vampire Soap On A Rope. That way you’ll never drop the soap.

*Lathers up with my Vampire head. Singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and feeling great. Feelin’ clean and refreshed as sunlight filters into the shower as day begins. I hold my Vampire soap up proudly just as sun beams hit it and then scream horribly as the Vampire face melts in my hand and drips through my fingers. Runs screaming out of the shower.*

*Sits in the corner shivering and dripping, traumatized.*

I should know better than to use Vampire soap in daylight.

Duck Tape Scents: Fix Stuff, Make It Smell Good

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duct tape scents
You can fix anything with Duct Tape/Duck Tape and now you can make those things smell pleasant thanks to Duck Tape Scents. At first I thought this was tape that smelled like a duck, but I was just being a silly goose.

You feeling plucky punk? Then grab some Duck Tape Scents and start fixing stuff. Look people, stuff that is fixed in a redneck way isn’t supposed to smell like flowers or candy. It’s supposed to smell like Pabst Blue Ribbon, Chicken wings and shame. Cuz you spilled it on your tape before you used it.

They come in so many scents, it’s really ducked up.

Krampus Christmas Card Box Set

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Krampus Christmas Card Box Set
This Krampus Christmas Card Box Set might help you avoid getting kidnapped by Krampus and thrown in a sack. Then beaten and thrown in a river or something. Cuz that’s what he does to naughty kids at Christmas. Christmas was hard in the old days. Did you know that Krampus spelled backwards is Sup Mark?

Mind blown!

I just discovered his secret. Dude’s hiding as a regular guy named Mark. F U Mark. I know your secret. You ain’t gonna get me in the sack. Wait, what? I mean- Screw you Mark! Give me Christmas gifts and I won’t tell the world your secret. I guess I just did. Whatevs! I’m onto you Mark.