Santa really is watching you. Like a cyclops with a milky eye. Keep an eye on the kids this year by hanging this Santa’s Evil Eye Christmas Ornament on your tree.
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus has only got one eye.
He’s making a list
And checking it twice(Has too since he only has one damn eye)
Gonna find out Who’s naughty and nice
Santa Claus is half-blind in his one eye….
What the skell man! This Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set has attitude. No really. I get the feeling that it would flip me off if it was still connected to a middle finger. I don’t think he likes me. You get 3 of these grumpy skeleton heads in the set, which is 3 times the heads on my tree that won’t like me on Christmas morning.
C’mon Skelly, don’t be like that. It’s not like I made fun of your name and called you smelly. Or pointed out that your body is missing. You’re a real headcase ya know that? Let’s sing some Christmas songs k?
“I really can’t stay – Baby it’s skulled outside. I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s skulled outside.” Maybe that was a bad choice. We should put on a concert, but maybe not. I know you’re concerned about scalpers… Zing! Burn baby!
Starting to see why ya don’t like me now. I’m kind of an A-hole.
I’m only posting this because I’ve gotten like 10 emails asking if I quit the blog to be a full time Jolly Fat Guy. The answer is no. It’s not me. This guy here is morbidly obese, I just strive for being mediocre obese. At best. So everybody just calm down. Enough Santa mail people. I don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice. I ain’t coming to town! I’ll go to town on a bag of Doritos though…
Santa The Hutt here is located at the flagship store of Betabrand, a crowdfunding platform for designer clothes. Does he make you want to buy clothes? It looks like he can’t even fit in his own. Do you have any idea how long it is going to take a man of this girth to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve? Let’s just say he’s stopping the sleigh at every border for a puke and some gasping wheezing.
If I can make one suggestion to this overflowing Santa, it would be to shave that runway under his belly button. That’s just wrong.
Read more “Santa The Hutt Shows Up At A San Francisco Fashion Store”
Nothing says Christmas like a trio of bunny butts with Santa hats on them. Deck the halls with dingle-berries fa la la la la la la la la. At $50 a rabbit butt, this trio of tushies will cost you $150. I know this because as a kid I was hooked on math phonics, but I kicked the habit years ago. Yay me!
Click through for a touching holiday poem.
Read more “Holiday Bunny Butts”