Tag: puppet

Billy From Saw Drink Coasters

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Billy From Saw Drink Coasters

Oh look, it’s that demented little freak from the Saw movies. Billy the puppet. What kind of sick game do you have for me this time? Protecting my surfaces from spills with these Billy From Saw Drink Coasters? What’s the catch? Will they self destruct in an hour while I have to saw my own leg off?

Oh I know what it is. They protect your surfaces from spills, but then you find out that the coasters themselves have stained your counter! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. You evil little son of a-.

Oh, I can’t stay mad at you. C’mere and give me a hug. Awww. Come closer. That’s it. There we go. *Shoves his face into the stain.* Don’t you ever f**k with my counter tops again. Bad puppet!

Puppet Head And Hands Taxidermy Trophies

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Puppet Head And Hands Taxidermy Trophies
I’m really digging these Puppet Head And Hands Taxidermy Trophies, but I want to request a Tickle Me Elmo version, to see what Elmo would look like after I tickled him with a shotgun out in the wild. I’d also like to see some of those Fraggle Rock dudes mounted on my wall. Puppets and I have a weird history. A weird and bloody history. *Shudders.*

The seller has several. But no Elmo damnit! They make great coat racks. Things are creeping me out.
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Weird Skullapillar Mini Puppet

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skullapillar
This Skullapillar mini puppet just wants a hug. And since your body is too big, just give the little guy your finger. Let him squeeze it real tight. Paint a little Skullapiller face on your finger and he might even fall in love. Start smooching your finger as he holds it tight, doing a little slow dance.

Until he BITES YOUR FAKE FINGER FACE OFF because that’s how they mate. What are you crazy? You don’t go sticking your finger anywhere near a Skullapillar! What’s wrong with you? Look at him snacking on your fingertip, with that sex afterglow on his mandible face.
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Ventriloquist Mask Makes You The Dummy

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Ventriloquist Mask
This Ventriloquist Mask makes you the dummy. Wait. Isn’t the Ventriloquist always the dummy? And the dummy is always the ventriloquist. Man, it’s confusing when one dude talks as another without moving his lips. Also, ventriloquist is really hard to spell. I googled it to check the spelling and it said, “F**k that. Too hard.” Hope I got it right, because the first time I spelled it “ventrilo-queff-ist” and I’m like, really? No way is that right cuz one person can NOT fart for another without moving their lips.

Anyway, this mask makes you look like a dummy. Also like Alfred E. Newman. What me worry? Nah. I never worry. Unless I see this face coming at me. Then I’m screaming like a banshee. And by banshee I mean little girl.

Gender Doubting Thomas Puppet

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

creepy hand puppetYes, it is too late to claw your eyes out and un-see this monstrosity. It is called Gender Doubting Thomas. The seller is right, this may just be the creepiest puppet on earth. Is it a man or a woman. Don’t know. Don’t care. I just need it to go away and get out of my head now. From the seller:

“Under this chubby, sweaty, and hairy exterior beats the heart of a little girl…
Details include a creepy comb-over with real hair, chest hair, the bloody hand prints of tiny hands.

He/she is hand cast in latex, hand painted and the multi-layered costume is hand cut, distressed and sewn. A fully functional hand puppet is ready to emotionally scar someone for life.”

It already has. It already has.
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