Tag: tree

Body Wrapped In Bag Christmas Ornament

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Body Wrapped In Bag Christmas Ornament
Wow. That’ll get Santa’s attention and make him soil his jolly old pants. This Body Wrapped In Bag Christmas Ornament is sure to make the big guy recheck his nice and naughty list. He may even start a new list and call it “Serial Killer. Do not visit next year. Call the police!” If you are looking to decorate a darker tree this year, this ornament is perfect. Hey, at least it isn’t floating down a river somewhere.

Yeah this will compliment all of those newspaper clippings you have on your wall, with the scribbled red writing and Xs over people’s faces. Damn son, your stockings are hung on the chimney with terror!

Gothic Graveyard Snowglobe

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Gothic Graveyard Snowglobe
Time to take a field trip kids. We’re going to a graveyard. A Gothic Graveyard Snowglobe! C’mon you didn’t think I was really gonna get up early and drive a bus full of whiny kids somewhere did ya? Hey, I bring the excitement to you. This snowglobe is the perfect spooky desk accessory. It’s a calm, spooky graveyard with a creepy gnarled tree. It looks like the whole damn town is buried in there. WTH? Must have been a natural disaster.

OR did I go on the field trip and crash that bus full of kids, and now I’m in a parallel reality? Makes you think. You see why I don’t take you guys anywhere? It’s much safer if I just show you cool stuff everyday. I think I’m buried right under the tree and you guys are fanning out from me. Feels crowded. Can my corpse get some damn elbow room for God’s sake?

Needle Felted PIGASUS Christmas Tree Ornament

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Needle Felted PIGASUS Christmas Tree Ornament
I always said I would have a Pigasus Christmas Tree Ornament on my tree when pigs fly. I guess I better pony-up and get this thing on the tree this year. I’ll call him Oink-o Boink-o and he will be my patron saint of Bacon. Every day I will kneel before him and make offerings and the next morning I will come downstairs to find a pound of bacon gift wrapped with care.

Thank you mighty Oink-o Boink-o. *Backs away slowly, bowing.* You are as wise as you are benevolent!

Root Chandeliers: Light Your Room With Tormented Souls

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

root chandelier
Etsy seller FikoArt sells chandeliers made from tree roots. They also look like tormented souls crying out in pain every time you turn on the lights. Yeah, great decorating choice honey. Sure, I love it. Blah blah, looks great. Nah. I’m good. I’ll just eat my dinner in pitch blackness. Does that one guy have a light bulb for a wiener? I can’t tell, cuz it’s all disturbing.

I AM GROOT! KILL ME!

I am under you, trying to eat dinner. Kill ME!

I guess we are both screwed!