Author: Artemis Winterford

Your Time Will Come Clock With Grim Reaper Hands

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Your Time Will Come Clock With Grim Reaper Hands
Check out this Your Time Will Come Clock With Grim Reaper Hands. What time is that? Lunch. Bring it! Dinner? I’m there. Hey, don’t you ever get tired of holding that clock? Those bony hands look like they could use a break. Here, let me take it for awhile. Ha ha. Tricked you! Now I’m the Grim Reaper. Now YOUR time has come. *Hits him over the head with the clock*

Now nobody dies. Sucker!

Ten years later: *Standing in a room full of people packed like sardines.* Sure is crowded in here since nobody has died in like ten years. *Guy next to me grunts as we all get pressed tighter together.* So basically I killed the Grim Reaper and we are all immortal and can’t move. I really f**ked up this time. Hey, stop jabbing me! Who’s touching my ass?

Bone Appetit – Skull Bowl

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Bone Appetit - Skull Bowl
Chips and dip? Cheese and crackers? M and M’s? Popcorn? Whatever you serve up in this Skull Bowl, it’s taking things to a very macabre level. Eat like the undertakers do. Oh c’mon you know they do freaky stuff like this all of the time. Cuz they play with dead bodies and stuff. Hey, can I get some chips and dip in a cracked skull? Chips and dip in a hip would be more appropriate. Cuz it rhymes. Poor guy whose skull that is. How could he let that happen to him? No brain. That’s how. I guess that makes whatever appetizer you have in it a no-brainer too. Celebrating the Super Bowl? Use a Skull Bowl.

Alien Xenomorph Plush Toy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien Xenomorph Plush Toy
Awww. Look at the cute little Alien Xenomorph Plush Toy. Sit. Good boy. Roll over! Good job. Play dead! Why aren’t you doing anything? *Attacks my face.* ARGHHHHHHH! Get off me! Get off me! Fine, I’ll play dead. Damn! Surely this smiling and soft little Xenomorph wouldn’t hurt anyone. Well, aside from what’s left of my face. Seriously, it’s all good. Take this guy off my hands. Please? I have to sleep with one eye open. C’mon guys. Somebody take him. Didn’t even leave enough face for a Facehugger!
Read more “Alien Xenomorph Plush Toy”

Melting Plastic Leggings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Melting Plastic Leggings
These Melting Plastic Leggings are going to be all the rage this year. And all the rage will be from my mom when I ruin my new white pants by having my buddy Shane throw red wax on my crotch so it can drip down. Also I’ll be stuck in these pants forever since my man-parts will be fused with the material. Worth it though, even if I have to run around in circles trailing smoke until I find a water bin to sit in to put the fire out.

Full Moon Panties

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Full Moon Panties
Full Moon Panties? Those aren’t full moon panties. Full moon panties are no panties at all. Just your ass painted by the light of the full moon. I would have called these the Wolf of Ball Street. What? They’re for women? Are you sure? Cuz I’m pretty sure I can make that wolf tongue move and appear to lick itself. No takers?