Author: Artemis Winterford

Holy Valhalla: Braided Viking Hair Gown

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Holy Valhalla Braided Viking Hair Gown
Mary Mary quite contrary, shave that gown, it’s way too hairy! I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said a clean version of that joke. This is a Braided Viking Hair Gown. The woman wearing it must be a tough as nails viking. I don’t have viking in my ancestry. The closest I get is biking, but that’s only when the car goes in the shop.

Damn that is one hairy dress. Worn by a bald woman. No disrespect sir, I’ve never seen a viking after they shave off all of their facial hair to make a gown. Don’t kill me with your axe while shouting to your Gods and pillaging my village! We cool. We good.

Let’s have a drink! A little hair of the dog that- Sorry. Hair’s to vikings! Waiter, more beard! I mean beer. Please don’t kill me and braid my village. I mean raid! I’m all tongue-tied. My mouth is all dry and Norse. I mean horse! So sorry!

Junk Food Soap

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junk food soap
DirtyAssSoap sells Junk Food Soap. All kinds of soap that looks like delicious food. Whether you are scrubbing your pits with cheez its or cleaning your taint with some gummy bears, these soaps will make bathing fun. This isn’t new to me. I usually have like 10 plates and bowls of junk food in the bathtub with me, all floating around me like diabetic lily pads.

Did I mention I bathe in the pool? How else ya gonna get a junk food buffet floating around you? I usually shave by rubbing a cupcake against my face and lathering up with that sweet sweet frosting. I always forget and lick the blade afterwards.
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Have Not So Sweet Dreams: Freddy Krueger Pillow

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Have Not So Sweet Dreams Freddy Krueger Pillow
Sweet Dreams. Not! This Freddy Krueger Pillow features Freddy’s silhouette against the background of his striped shirt. He’s coming for you when you sleep. You know it and I know it. The only thing left to do is to rest your head against this pillow and close your eyes. Then prepare to do battle with the dark demon of dreams.

*Closes eyes. Finds myself in dream world. Psyches myself up for combat with the nightmare man. Sees Freddy sitting at a park bench with a checkers board.*

Holy hell. Not this again. Just kill me already! I don’t care if you need practice. You can’t keep tutoring me like this. Fine, one more game! Then find someone else to play with.

Serial Killer Valentines

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Creepy Valentines Day Cards
Serial killers need love too. If you love a demented killer, give them one of these Serial Killer Valentines. If you are a serial killer, give someone you love these valentines, but if you do, DON”T KILL THEM! I can’t stress that enough. It defeats the whole point of giving them a valentine if you kill them. Wait what? Well yeah, if you call yourself the Valentine’s Day killer I guess that’s fine. Not that I approve. I’m just saying you make a good point.

Blog post finished. Yes!

Now to check my mailbox for Valentines from fans. Sweet! Got one! Cool it has Jason Voorhees on it! *Gets impaled through the back and killed by a killer wearing a smiling heart for a head. *Dying breaths* It’s…you…Valentine’s Day…killer. *gasps. dies*

Being Stylish During Your Period: Sanitary Pad Necklace, Purse And Hair Clip

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Being Stylish During Your Period Sanitary Pad Necklace, Purse And Hair Clip
It’s not easy being stylish during your period. Am I right ladies? Well, now you can be stylish and announce to the world that your Aunt Flo is visiting at the same time. With a Sanitary Pad Necklace, Purse And Hair Clip. Sanitary pads, they aren’t just for, you know. They’re for fashion. Grouchy, touchy, bitchy fashion. Here have a Snickers bar. You’re a diva when you are having your-

SHUT UP YOU PIECE OF S**T MAN BLOGGER!

*Dodges shoe* Look, all I’m saying is it’s not an easy time for you. Can I rub your feet? Maybe just-

I WILL RUB YOUR LIFE OUT!

I knew this was a bad idea. Look, wear these period accessories or not. I don’t care. I know you want to kill all men right now, but keep one thing in mind. You can’t spell menstruation without men.

TIME TO DIE!

Laterz peeps. Gonna try to lure her away with some chocolates and a pint of ice cream.