Author: Artemis Winterford

Scary Breakfast Cereal Monsters

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Scary Breakfast Cereal Monsters
Check out these cool Scary Breakfast Cereal Monsters art prints from QuietRoomBears. These things are crazy for Coacoa Puffs. Seriously, the Coacoa Puffs bird is in a straight jacket. You know why. Cuz he’s crazy for Coacoa Puffs. Me? I’m horny for Honeycombs. Not that anyone asked. TMI? Sorry.

They have several, all based on different cereals, showing the monster that your kid becomes after they have been sugared up by each one. I used to become a monster after eating crazy amounts of Sugar Smacks. I was a 5 year old just smacking the hell out of anyone. I didn’t even care. A two foot tall kid smacking beings 5 times as tall. I would be all like, “Hey Mister, c’mere. Bend down so I can whisper something.” *SMACK* No sugar with that smack biatch! DIG ‘EM!

Stuff is like crack. I had to go off cereal for like a year. Court ordered.
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Cute And Crazy Cthulhu Plush Monster

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Cute And Crazy Cthulhu Plush Monster
Meet the softer side of Cthulhu with this cute Cthulhu Plush Monster. Which is like 100 times better than a Cthulhu Lush Monster. That’s what they call me after too many drinks. This little guy is mean, green and can’t be unseen. I say little, I mean 22″ long. Which is how I wish that girl I picked up the other night had ended her sentence, but nope, she just said it was little and giggled. And left. No, I’m alright. Really I am. It’s not the size of your Cthulhu, but what you do with it right? I shouldn’t show girls my stuffed animals anyway.

So back to this massive and manly raging ancient one. It puts my little one to shame. Anyone would be happy to have a cuddly monster this huge. He’s pretty cute. If I had one like this, that girl would have stayed the night. They say size doesn’t matter when it comes to the monster you’re packing, but we all know it does. I guess some of us have the right monster and some of us don’t. *Sigh.*
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Pee-On Customizable Urinal Cake Kit

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Pee-On Customizable Urinal Cake Kit
The Pee-On Customizable Urinal Cake Kit lets you put any face you want on a urinal cake. At last, I will pee on the faces of those who have wronged me. Talk about a toxic avenger. Like that guy who gave me a hassle at the grocery store the other day when I told him I didn’t need a bag for my 1 item purchase. Take a bag. No thanks. You gotta have a bag. That’s okay. But it’s store policy. You don’t want someone to think you stole it. They won’t. I have a receipt. And you know I paid. Back off already. Damn kid. It ain’t worth the coronary strain that’s gonna cause your pizza face to erupt like a thousand tiny volcanoes. Chill already. I spent like five minutes arguing.

Yeah, that guy. Eff That guy. I’d like to sneak a pic of his face with my phone and put it on a urinal cake. *Peeing after like 50 drinks.* Now who wants a bag? I bet you want a bag, don’t you? Have a bag! Well you’re not getting a bag. Just pee! It’s raining pee, hallelujah it’s raining pee. Amen! Stick that in your bag you little-

I hate that guy.

Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Holiday Horror Wreath

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Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Holiday Horror Wreath
This Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Holiday Horror Wreath reminded me that I had a dream about Freddy last night. He was showing me his phone and he’s all like, “Dude, friend me on Facebook.” I was like, “Okay.” Then I had to watch him swipe his phone with his claws and slash my Facebook face for like a million times. It was horrible. I was his only Facebook friend too. Okay, I admit it, he was my only FB friend.

Anyway, this wreath lets you know you have arrived on Elm Street. It’s not so travelers have a fresh set of clothes and can instantly become a supernatural murderer with poor fashion sense.

Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set

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Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set
What the skell man! This Skelly Claus Holiday Skeleton Ornament Set has attitude. No really. I get the feeling that it would flip me off if it was still connected to a middle finger. I don’t think he likes me. You get 3 of these grumpy skeleton heads in the set, which is 3 times the heads on my tree that won’t like me on Christmas morning.

C’mon Skelly, don’t be like that. It’s not like I made fun of your name and called you smelly. Or pointed out that your body is missing. You’re a real headcase ya know that? Let’s sing some Christmas songs k?

“I really can’t stay – Baby it’s skulled outside. I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s skulled outside.” Maybe that was a bad choice. We should put on a concert, but maybe not. I know you’re concerned about scalpers… Zing! Burn baby!

Starting to see why ya don’t like me now. I’m kind of an A-hole.