Author: Artemis Winterford

Dinosaur Rings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Dinosaur Rings
These dinosaur rings are ready to get on your fingers and fight to the death. ROooooooooaaaaarrrrrr! Do I make a convincing dinosaur? Aside from my prehensile tail I mean. Did they even have that? Who knows. This has been another fun game brought to you by my lack of education in the public school system.

Fun fact: I almost wrote pubic school system and giggled a little. Then I ate a PB & J sandwich and here we are. Where were we? Oh yeah. Dinosaur rings. It’s what we would all be deep frying instead of onions if they had never gone extinct. But they did, so we don’t. Dinosaurs I mean. Not onions. Onions are still here.

No need to cry about it.

I’m not. Just chopping onions.

Cool.

Evil Clown Skull Heels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Evil Clown Heels
Evil Clown Skull Heels. Nice shoes Bozo! Surprisingly they are not huge like clown shoes. According to the seller they are technically “evil clown shoes with glitter soles”. But no souls of their own until they take yours. Through your feet, which will look like a carnival of horrors.

I’m pretty sure the devil wears these. Not Prada. But won’t know until I check the wife’s shoe collection.

Jaws Bathing Suit

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Jaws Bathing Suit
I wonder why she’s still single. She has a great body. A beautiful face. I’m sure her personality is great. Maybe it’s the fact that SHE HAS A SHARK coming out of her nether regions thanks to this Jaws Bathing Suit. Bigger boat? I’m not going near that with an aircraft carrier. Yeah, I would pass too.

Nether regions. Heh. Fun word. Does that mean that all of those people in the netherlands are all pu**ies? I’m thinking maybe. I’d have to consult some book learning dude to know for sure. JK Netherlands. You know I love ya. I spent a week there one night in a one horse town where even the horse left.

Scary Leech Halloween Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Scary Leech Halloween Mask
EWWWW! Kill it with fire! But stay away from that unholy mouth with like a million teeth. The detail on this Leech Halloween Mask is amazing. And I should know. I’ve lived with enough of them. Nowadays I live alone, but I still see those leeches in flashbacks.

Those aren’t flashbacks. We call that a mirror. You were the leech.

Fair enough. *Opens mouth full of terrifying sucker-teeth and attaches to your side.* Can I have 5 bucks? By the way, do you have sandwich making stuff in your fridge? I’m starving.

Evil Clown String Lights

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Evil Clown String Lights
Not enough evil clowns in your life? Decorate your home with these Evil Clown String Lights. Can you hear them laughing? Stop laughing at me! Stop! *Covers ears.* Why do you torment me? Why? What happened to your front tooth? Leave me alone! *Falls to knees and starts crying. Microwave dings!*

Oh….Hot Pockets. Check you later psycho telepathic clowns! Nom nom nom.
Read more “Evil Clown String Lights”