Why would you sell a perfectly good cross made out of human hair? Do you not want to worship the Sasquatch anymore? Have you lost faith that he is out there? Whatevs. I’ll buy it. Maybe even start a church for the hairy one. Have people worship at the altar under this thing.
Until he busts up my place one day cuz I’m a no good money changer, charging people too much and selling T-shirts and fake hair samples.
Read more “Cross Made Of Human Hair”
Little Nosferatu just chillin’ like a spider,
Bit a girl,
Then wrapped her up,
Now he’s got to hide her.
He got two sharp fangs and a hobo’s coat,
You see him coming, that’s all she wrote!
I call that poem, “Chillin’ like a Spider!” It’s part of my upcoming poetry book entitled, “Failed the fifth grade, quit in the twelfth. Buy this damn book and put it on your shelf!”
Read more “Little Nosferatu”
What the hell!? I said peek-a-boo! Not cut out your damn eyeballs and put ’em in your hands and look at me with your hands. You are one sick individual. I don’t think I want to play with you anymore. *Crosses arms over chest* I might even call my mom to come pick me up.
Hey, this explains why you always find me when we play hide and go seek. Sure, you covered your eyes. With your… hand-eyes. What the- You were looking at the bottom of the deck every time you dealt on poker night, weren’t you? No, put your hands down. it’s not cute. No. Bad…. Oh, I can’t stay mad at you my Pale Man friend. Got a secret of my own. *Displays hands palm out in front of my crotch, showing off my testes-palms.*
You think you got it bad. I gotta hold these things all day. It’s why I can’t ride a bike. Too painful holding onto the handlebars!
Read more “Pale Man From Pan’s Labyrinth Creature Figurine”
Hey skull dish, I’m gonna put candy in your brain hole and let people pick your brain. I just think it will be weird. Gotta keep my reputation as the local weirdo after all, or as the local police like to refer to me. “Code 71. Named for the year of my birth. Which I may be lying about just to throw you all off. I may be 60 years old. Then again I may be 22. Blog stars need privacy is all I’m sayin’.
*Screech. Crackle.* All units be advised. We have a code 71 in progress. Now the damn fool is making dogs eat from some kind of fake skull in the park, which is attached to his shirt making it look like he has a skull head. It is making old people vomit. Use of deadly force is authorized. Please use deadly force.
Buffalo Hoof Taxidermy Lamps. Pretty much what it sounds like. Two hairy legs all up in your bidness. I know what you’re thinking. Why do I need this when I already have a wife? Good question. Here’s a better one? Why won’t your wife shave her legs?
Buffalo girls won’t you come out tonight? Come out tonight. Come out tonight. Buffalo girls won’t you come out tonight? Probably won’t cuz your legs are nasty!