Author: Artemis Winterford

Giant STDs: I Didn’t Do It!

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plush stds
These Giant STDs are the same itchy, rashy and sometimes puss-filled creatures you know and love, but in cuddly plush form. Man, I get all itchy just looking at them. And now that I’ve had a closer look, I think I recognize some of these guys. We go way back.

Hey, it’s my old pal herpes. I’m just gonna drop by and say hi. Just mingle, I won’t be long. I promise. Cuz once he gets going, there’s no stopping him. After that I just want to say a quick and long overdue FU to Gonorrhea and then we’re out of here.

Skeleton Playing Cards

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skeleton playing cards
I don’t know about you, but when I’m playing a game of poker, I like to see the bony innards of various critters. Like a Komodo Dragon, maybe a Roadrunner. This set of Skeleton Playing Cards has many more sets of bones, all on 52 poker-sized cards. These cards were created by the American museum of Osteology. I have no idea what that means, other than the fact that it’s fancy talk for going to college for like 8 years to play with animal bones and act like you’re not a freak

My dog plays with bones and he never had any college. In fact he flunked out of obedience school. And he licks his butt just like anyone else.
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The Not-A-Cat: It’s Not A Cat

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not a cat stuffed toy
The Not-A-Cat is not a cat. It just looks like a cat. Maybe you are allergic to cats or can’t afford to care for one. Well, now you can have Not-A-Cat. And just like a real cat, this thing will sleep all day and ignore you. The idea is that this lump of fur looks like a sleeping cat. You can stuff it into the corner of your couch and it will make it look like you have a real honest to glob cat, when in reality you have no one and nothing that cares for your company.

It’s not a cat. Just so we’re clear. It never claimed to be. It never will. It just wants to fill that lonely void in your life.
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Horror Movie Jigsaw Puzzles

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horror jigsaw puzzle
I tried one of these Horror Movie Jigsaw Puzzles, but they scared me so bad I had to go back to those grandma puzzles with the flowers and the fields and stuff. I don’t want to put together a jigsaw with…Jigsaw. “Do you want to play a game?” Well, yeah, but I thought you meant Monopoly or risk. Say, when can I get this bear trap off my head? My jaw is starting to hurt. What do you mean I sound like your last girlfriend? Hey! That’s messed up.

Anyway, you’re just a more modern and twisted Riddler without the green costume. Arrrrrgggghhhh! Why did the chair just shock me? You said you had cake! Where’s my cake? I should have known better than to trust some puppet dude who rides a tricycle!
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Your Daddy’s In Jail Stick Figure Family Decal

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dad in jail stick figure family
Use this Your Daddy’s In Jail Stick Figure Family Decal to tell everyone that daddy went away for awhile. Now you have to visit him behind glass. And mommy cries a lot. Obviously, before he left, daddy made a LOT of kids. Damn. 5 kids? Dude probably doesn’t wanna get out. 3 square meals, no nagging and no little wallet-thumpers to worry about? He’s probably getting into like 10 fights a week just to make sure he keeps that room and board secure.

I shouldn’t joke. This is just sad. Daddy’s in jail. This decal is a good sign that the woman driving is available and in need though.