Author: Artemis Winterford

Color Changing Mushroom Night Light

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etsy color changing mushroom night light
This Color Changing Mushroom Night Light will make it seem like you are tripping balls, when in fact, you are tripping the light fantastic. I have no idea what that means. And that’s okay. Everything is okay as long as I float within the void. Watching monkey-faced mermaids swim past me. It’s all good. I’m floating closer to the happy trees now. There is a lake. Sooooo relaxing.

Wait. That lake is a giant mouth full of Cthulhu teeth, each one slapping it’s tentacles to whip the drooling saliva off the others. The giant tongue is lashing toward me-

*Wakes up breathing heavy.* Thank god I don’t do drugs. I wonder what makes me dream like that every night and makes me a nervous wreck. Oh well. Goodnight color change mushroom night light.
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Thug Life: I Just Did 9 Months On The Inside Onesie

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thug life baby onesie
Ha! This I Just Did 9 Months On The Inside Onesie makes your baby look like a prison inmate. 9 months in your mom? Pffft! I did 10 in your mom and SHE walked away with time served! Years? No, inches! Damn son, burn! Drops the mic! Walks away!

This onesie says your kid is never too young for the thug life. Those crazy people who have like 10 kids should get these for the whole gang, since they’ll likely grow up to be hooligans anyway. Hooligans. Heh. That’s an old timey word. You caught me. I’m really HG Wells and my time machine got stuck here. Sorry about any typos. I can’t see bully without my monocle.

SpyMo Toys Are My Kind Of Crazy

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spymo toys
Check out these awesome custom toys from Spymo Toys. It’s about damn time Bruce from the Jaws movie had his own action figure. I hope you can open him up and find tires and stuff in his belly. Check out some other cool stuff below. Like Rosemary’s baby, V.A.L.I.S. from the Phillip K. Dick novel, Pazuzu from The Exorcist and my personal favorite the DMT Warrior.

I never collected any DMT Warriors, but I’ve visited their dimension and let me tell you, that figure is no exaggeration. Pretty cool stuff. I’m buying them all and taking them out of the package and forcing them to play with my Star Wars: Phantom Menace toys. Since nobody else will play with them. Ugh!

Okay, sometimes I make the others torture Jar Jar, but that’s it. Okay, I also occasionally make Padme and that fat Gungun make out, but really, that’s it.
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Mr. T Starter Kit

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mr t vintage gold chain necklace
I pity the fool don’t have no jewelry! I guess that means I pity myself since I pawned all of my jewelry after the A-Team was cancelled. Just didn’t have the heart to keep rocking that mohawk and wearing that bling if my main man T wasn’t on the scene.

Being a part of the Mr. T club can be expensive though. All of those gold chains cost a lot of cheddar. That’s why you need a Mr. T Starter Kit like this. It has everything you need for $36. and even arrives at your door gift wrapped in a classy purple Crown Royal liquor bag. Nice!

Dragon Door Knocker

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dragon door knocker
This Dragon Door Knocker is going to look awesome on my front door. Especially after I took out that second mortgage to give the place that whole Game of Thrones makeover. So what if it looks more like a beat up Jenga pile. I’m no contractor. Knock knock knock! Who is it? It’s dragon. Dragon who? Dragon my butt, cuz I’m so tired from blogging all day.

You can’t come in, the king’s not here.

I am the king!

Prove it! Prove your worth by removing a giant stone block from the castle of Jenga and I’ll let you in.

We went through this last week and it’s not funny. I lost the entire bedroom that day. And you’re just some dude named Merlin who I’m renting a room to and who farts way to much, then tries to cover it up with magic. Fine whatever, but I’m taking a piece from your side of the castle this time.
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