Author: Artemis Winterford

Hand-Crafted Coffin Display Case / Book Shelf

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coffin display case
Who says that the art of reading is dead? No really. Who said that? I can’t remember. Well, reading isn’t dead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t treat your books like a corpse and store them in a coffin. This Coffin Display Case / Book Shelf is the perfect place for all of your scary book and terrifying tomes.

It’s a tomb for your tomes. I made a funny! Also made a funny earlier after eating 3 cheeseburgers and 2 orders of fries. Though it wasn’t funny for the pimply-face Burger king employee named Earl who entered with a respirator and a mop bucket soon after I left. The women in my life all be like, “Did you have a salad?” Yes, I did. A “side salad”, which I left on the side as per the name. Any other questions?

Beetlejuice Art Doll

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beetlejuice art doll
Itttt’s showtime! Beetlejuice! Betelguese! Beetleguese! Ah hell. Why do I always do exactly what I’m not supposed to do? Now Micheal Keaton just showed up in my house. He’s making a sandwich right now and feeding the cat. I think we’re roommates now. He cried like a little girl when I told him Birdman sucked. Gonna get him some black/white striped pajamas and some face paint so he can re-enact stuff from Beetlejuice.

This Beetlejuice doll stands 19 inches tall and is pretty awesome. It makes far less noise than SOME people when he chews his sandwich. I’m looking at you Mike. You are Birdman. Peck at it. Don’t chew with your beak full.

Break Up Beans Grow And Leave A Break Up Message

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break up beans
Before I saw this, I thought break up beans was just a fancy name for my windy butt stuff, because it has always been a relationship ender for me. Pffffffft-squuuueeeeek! Followed by her saying, ” I think we should see other people. Like starting now. I mean, I should see other people. You should see a doctor.”

Nope. Turns out Break Up Beans are $5 Lima bean plants that have had the seeds engraved with ‘It’s Over’ and ‘Let’s Be Friends’. The phrases appear on the plant’s first set of leaves. They also come with phrases that are all about love too. $5 for beans? I’ll let my butt do the talkin’ for free.

Sugar Skulls Are Hauntingly Sweet

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sugar skull cubes
Sugar skulls. One lump or two? Huh? One lump or two? Look, I don’t care how many bumps it has on it’s head, just drop it in my coffee so I can get mah buzz on like a caffeinated bee. Caffeinated bees are like spelling bees, only much much louder.

Spell “profane”. *Bloodshot eyes wide as hell and twitchy.* PROFANE, P-R-O-F-A-N-E PROFANE. *Forehead veins bulging.* I WILL USE IT IN A SENTENCE. “IF I DON’T WIN THIS F***ING BEE, I’M GETTIN’ ALL PROFANE UP IN DIS BIATCH!” WHERE’S MY COFFEE?
Read more “Sugar Skulls Are Hauntingly Sweet”

Mounted Taxidermy Dragon Head

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taxidermy dragon head
What? This awesome Mounted Taxidermy Dragon Head costs $1,499.? Like Stevie Nicks said, “Stop dragon my heart around!” Puff the magic dragon may have lived by the sea, but he died by my hand. At least, that’s what I’m gonna tell people when they see this sweet head mounted on my wall.

Did you really kill that thing?

Yep. Killed it with kindness.

Huh?

*Shows off my caveman club with the word “kindness” carved in the handle.* Yeah, he was all like, “I can see you have a kindness. Jump on my back and we shall be friends, adventuring to far off lands.” I just climbed up and whacked him real good until my arm was tired. Good thing I’m good at whacking things.