Author: Artemis Winterford

Cat Suction Cup

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cat suction cup
Cats don’t care. They do whatever the hell they like. When they like. How they like. They are basically nature’s pain in the ass. You can’t even wash a cat without your cat freaking out and jumping out of the bath tub. Until now. The Cat Suction Cup aka “The Cat Stay and Wash” keeps your cat in one place so you can bathe Fluffy. It’s basically a cat restraint system.

This thing is going to come in so handy. First I’m going to take my kitty, Mistress Meowstress for a walk, then affix the suction cup to the outside of a convenience store while I go in and get some chips. Ah, you’re still here. Good kitty. Then we will get in the car and I will attach her to the inside windshield in an attempt to teach her how to be a GPS system and a dashboard ornament. You said right! Why would you say that? We’re lost! I asked, “Should I go right?” and you said, “Meow.” So I turned meow. WTH?

Ghoulish Book of Grammar

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ghoulish grammar book
Grammar Nazis hate me, because I ain’t speak proper engrish. This Ghoulish Book of Grammar might help. It basically teaches adult weirdos about the ABCs using horror characters and nightmarish images. It will scare you into proper grammar. Won’t work on me though. I learned my grammar in the slammer son. Thug life.

I was in for like 24 hours in the drunk tank. Sounds fun, I know, but despite the name, it really is NOT a tank of alcohol you get to swim around in. It’s more like a tank of vomit and urine. And some crazy-eyed dude named Pedro who tells you you are pretty as he sniffs your hair.
Read more “Ghoulish Book of Grammar”

Bird Poop Stickers

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bird poop stickers
Birds are bombing us every day and every night, in a gooey campaign of shock and awe, hoping that they’ll wear us down. That’s why hoodies were invented in the first place. True story. The point is, birds poop all over us and our stuff, so why not prank someone with these fun Bird Poop Stickers. They look just like real bird turds.

Put them all over that expensive car across the street for instance. What a sh***y thing to do!

Plush Butt Tissue Box Cover

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plush butt tissue holder
The first thing that hits me about these Plush Butt Tissue Box Covers is that these butts are always being wiped. I mean, they have to be the cleanest butts ever, plush or otherwise. If I could poop toilet paper, my butt might actually get clean. For once.

Plush Butts. It’s fun to say. Plush Butts. I have to sing it with the Duck Tales theme, cuz everything goes with the Duck Tales song.

Plush Butts. Wooo hooo. Do do do da do do do do do Plush Butts. Wooo hooo.

Plush Butts are better than slush butts. Take it from someone who has had a serious case of both in the past.

Gigantic Worry Eater: Great, Now I’m Really Worried

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plush worry eater
The idea behind this Gigantic Worry Eater is that kids can feed it their worries, fears, doubts, and anxieties. Just write down a worry or fear, shove it into its mouth, and zip its lips shut. Your worries are supposed to be gone. Problem is, this creepy, striped and head-tentacled monster is pretty effin’ scary. He’s gonna be the cause for any worries your kids have.

*Writing* Dear Worry Eater. Please don’t eat me. Please stop watching me while I sleep. Why is your fat body big enough to fit me inside? I hope this note appeases you and that in your great wisdom, you decide to spare my life. Signed, your victim for all time. P.S. Sorry for stuffing you full of dirty socks in an attempt to kill you and escape my torment.