Author: Artemis Winterford

The Bra Pouch: Shake Your Money Maker

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bra purse
Etsy seller JamesKelleysShop offers some unique coin purses that are made out of women’s bras. These over the shoulder boulder holders will hold coins, make up, your ID, everything but baby milky snacks. James is clearly a bro that loves bras. As are we all. Looking for something a little bigger to hold your tablet? Tough titty.

Don’t be a boob, carry your most important accessories the same way women carry theirs.

Pro tip: Can be used as an awesome and effective slingshot when needed. Put a rock in it and hit some dude on the head so he grows a nipple on his scalp. No, don’t do that bra. I mean bro!

Clock Hands Wall Clock

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clock hands
Are numbers too much for you? If you can’t figure out how to read a clock by using the hands and numbers, this Clock Hands Wall Clock takes it down to basics for you, showing just the hands. It’s like this one, but not quite.

I don’t need no stinkin’ numbers on my fancy timepiece. I tell time like every other American. By what’s on TV. Which also tells you the day. For instance if Better Call Saul is on, I know it’s Monday night at 10. Thing is, I don’t do well when people are watching DVDs all damn day. I’m trying to figure out the day and time people! What day is it? What year am I in? *Cries*

Harry Potter Monster Book Of Monsters Replica

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harry potter monster book
When you read at a third grade level as I do, even the Harry Potter books are monster books. I got to about the third paragraph then took off the dust jacket and put it around my iPad so I could read the movie instead. Much easier. Until my ADD kicked in and then I had to play the Harry Potter video game, which didn’t last long because, hey a cat that needs petting!

Long story short, I have no idea what this Harry Potter Monster Book Of Monsters Replica is all about. I think it rewards reading by biting your face off or something. You see why I avoid books and words and stuff? The only reason I can type halfway coherently for you guys is because I have the mailman proofread and edit. I just grab him everyday when he hits my mailbox. In return I complete his route for him twice a week. If you can call delivering mail to the dumpster behind the convenience store completing a route. Hey, it is junk mail. Duh! And I have no idea where those Netflix DVDs went, but those shiny coasters all over the house have nothing to do with it.

Women’s Hot Dog Stretch Pants

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womens hot dog pants
Now, normally when I meet a fine lady sporting a hot dog, I run the other way. But these Women’s Hot Dog Stretch Pants are the exception. It’s like I always say, “A woman with a hot dog inside the pants is a problem, but a woman with with hot dogs all over? On the outside? That’s a keeper”. Yeah, I’ve actually had to say that. Through tears. Crazy world.

You can get all kinds of fun food stretch pants for your buns as well as other styles. They cloned that girl in the pic below to show you how they all look.
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Call of Cthulhu Playing Cards

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cthulu playing cards
Want to spice up your Poker Night? Invite Cthulhu! These Call of Cthulhu Playing Cards feature all kinds of characters based on the Cthulhu mythos. The artwork depicts a selection of eldritch horrors and Lovecraft himself on one card.

I have a full house, Cthulhu high. Let me see that. I’ve never seen Cthulhu high. Yep, he definitely looks stoned. Take your card game to the next horror-filled level with these officially licensed Call of Cthulhu playing cards. *singing* You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em…* Fun fact: I used to think that song was about pizza. I fold mine. Big gut, small mouth.

Gonna go grab a slice or three now and let the cheese drip until I have tentacles all over my chin.
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