Author: Artemis Winterford

Richard Nixon Fighting A Sabertooth Tiger Art Print

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nixon fighting a sabertooth
This fine art print of Tricky Dick “I am not a crook” Nixon shows Richard Thrillhouse Nixon battling a sabertooth tiger. He’s got him down and is pouncing all over him, getting ready to punch him in the face with his brass knuckles.

I didn’t like Richard Nixon before, but now the man is one of my personal heroes, right up there with Pee-Wee Herman and whoever the guy was who invented Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. You got your chocolate in my peanut butter. No you got YOUR peanut butter in my chocolate. Who cares? Damn that’s good!
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Realistic Pokemon Instill Realistic Fear

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realistic pokemon
Etsy seller Bakucosas makes Realistic Pokemon that look scary as hell. They only have 3 in their shop right now, so catching them all is impossible. Bulbasaur looks like he will eat your hand clean off and then rip out your tongue and wipe his mouth with it.

I don’t know anything about Pokemon, but I know when to run like hell and throw my tiny dog at it. Your sacrifice will not be in vain Fluffy. I vow to breed my own Pokemon and one day I will return to avenge you! Or just, you know, maybe get a new dog. That’s probably easier on everyone.
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Classic Monster Pin-Up Girls Art Prints

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monster pin up girls
These Classic Monster Pin-Up Girls Art Prints are cute and cartoony. Too bad I’m not flying an old-timey fighter plane over Transylvania. I would totally paint one of these chicks on my plane. It means you have a hot girl back home and you miss them. Kinda like how when I went to college, I painted that Perdue Chicken on the side of my Honda, with one leg up all sexy-like.

What? No I didn’t take any major. I was there to deliver a pizza because of my side job. Boy did I miss chicken that day though. She was there when I got home though. It’s toughest on the ones waiting back home.
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Bank Tube Purse

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bank tube purse
This bank tube purse will come in handy the next time my wife asks me to get her purse. I’ll just pop it in the tube with a deposit slip and let it fly away until it comes out the other side to hit my wife in the head.

Then she’ll forget what she asked for and she’ll sign it and send it back, thinking she’s making a deposit. Then I collect the money! Sweet. I’ll have a PS4 in no time now. Thank you bank tube purse. And thank you for banking at the First National Bank of me.

Icy Dead People Ice Cube Tray

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icy dead people
Icy Dead People. In my drink. It’s the sequel that M. Night Shyamalan wanted to direct, but after his last few craptastic movies, he couldn’t get the budget for a glass and a bucket of ice. The big twist at the end of the movie was going to be that these bodies were actually floating in Lemonade, NOT in Fruit Punch. Bam! Another M. Night Shyamalan classic.

I’m gonna play the X-Files theme while I watch these guys bob up and down in my Iced Tea. Then I’m gonna bite their heads off like the man-shark I am.