Author: Artemis Winterford

Latex Tentacle Dress

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etsy tentacle dress
If you have a thing for tentacles, feast your eyes on this Latex Tentacle Dress. Eh! Tentacles are for suckers! See what I did there? *It’s not really a joke if you have to explain it* Shut up or I’ll have Madame Octopus shoot you full of ink. *I had an inkling you might say that* Stop it, you’re stealing my thunder. The meds were supposed to silence you.

What’s Kraken m’lady? You look like a James Bond Villain in that dress. I’d like to be…under the sea…In an Octopuses garden…With you. Maybe have a picnic, eat an Octo-pie together. Heh Heh. Octopi. Hey just because you have eight arms doesn’t mean you get every slice! Back off sucker-arms!

Scary Stilettos And Horror Heels

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horror movie shoes
Etsy seller BabaRegali makes all kinds of custom high heels, but the best are the ones based on horror movies. There’s Chuckie, Friday The 13th, Freddy Kreuger and more. Below are just a few samples of their work, which combines the horror of movies with the horror of wearing high heels. Not that I would know anything about that.

Shut up, it was just that one time! I only put them on to stomp a few bugs. I just forgot I was wearing them for a few hours, that’s all. The nightgown was to protect me from mosquitoes! They are bad this time of year. The bra? Yeah that was all me just being a perv. I’ll own that one.
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Exercise Flash Cards

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exercise flash cards
Who needs a personal trainer when you have these Exercise Flash Cards? I had to fire mine because he kept hassling me. *Are you ready yet?* Nah, I need to study these flash cards some more. *What about now?* No, I’m still not as up to date as I would like to be on my Plank Leg Lifts and such. Lifts a cheeto to my mouth as I study the cards.

You sir are fired. I just realized that I don’t look anything like that guy on the cards. I think I got the wrong flashcards. Are there any that show fatsos, preferably with exercises that I can do one handed while my other hand feeds my pie-hole non-stop? No? Yeah, these aren’t gonna work. I need a workout tailored specifically to my lifestyle.

Realistic Mouth In Glass

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mouth in glass dome
This Realistic mouth is…Realistic. Creepy realistic. Is it bad that I want to kiss it? Don’t worry my sweet, I’m a lover not a biter. Damn, this girl is all chin. I didn’t notice at first, but holy chin dynasty! I think we found that moon dude from the old McDonalds commercials. “It’s Mac tonight!”

No wonder they put this realistic mouth under glass. She’s a Jay Leno cloning experiment gone wrong. Or gone right I guess. The scientists were all like, “Get it under a dome quick!” Then Jay Leno walked in all whiny voiced and prissy like he does, “Hey guyth, whath going on? Any luck with my soulmate yet?”

“Just go for another ride around the block in one of your old cars Mister Leno. We’ll let you know.” *Whispers* “Never tell him. Their chins must not collide!” *Makes large explosion motion with hands*

Ant Watch: Half Past Drone O’Clock And Quarter To The Queen

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ant watch

The Ant Watch lets you tell the time with real living ants. No, not really. It’s just an April Fools joke. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t wear it. It’s the first watch that literally lets you kill some time. With Raid!

What time is it?

Ants.

Now?

Ants.

*5 hours later* What about now?

Dead ants. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant. Time to play the Pink Panther. I’ll be Cato, you be Inspector Clouseau. *Karate chop to your neck! Lunges at you with the curtain rod and falls out the opposite window.*