Author: Artemis Winterford

Realistic Hand Lamp Rockin’ A Kung-Fu Grip

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hand lampLook at all of the detail on this very literal “hand lamp”. It has pores and even little hairs. I’m pretty sure there are hairs on the palm too, since it is rocking that manly grip so tight. The seller should have called it “The Handy.”

It will take a real handy dude to install this light fixture. I’m just not sure if they take on hand jobs like that. Thank you. I’ll be here all week, wondering why I’m still single. It may be my choice of interior lighting.

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This Sexy Beast Is A Real Fuggler

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fugglerNo, really. That’s what Etsy seller cathairandteeth calls these mutant creations. Fugglers. I call it a snuggly fugly. He’s just chillin’ in his underwear, letting the ladies see what he’s packing. Knowing he’s a hunky man-stud.

I’ll have you know, I was rocking the short, stubby and toothy, underwear look before it was popular. It’s all about comfort. And not doing laundry.
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Ultimate Golfer Side Table With Lamp

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golfer table lampOh Ebay. Does your craziness know no bounds? No. It obviously does not. This bit of geriatric-inspired furniture is a $75 Golfer table lamp. The bottom part looks just like any old timer wiling away his retirement, while the top gives you a view of the green.

If it starts walking toward me, I’m clubbing it with it’s own golf club. Just saying. Where I come from, if you see pants like those approaching you, you yell stranger danger real effin’ loud, otherwise you end up in the back of a van sucking on a lolipop, singing row-row-row-your-boat with funny pants man at the wheel, as tears stream down your face.

Happened to me just last week, but never again! I buy my candy like everyone else now.
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Illegal Alien Mask

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illegal alien maskWhat can I possibly say about this illegal alien mask that won’t come off as rascist? Hmmm. Let’s just look at the Amazon reviews. There are 2. The first basically says, “THIS MASK IS RACIST!” Because, you know, people are just waiting to be offended. Relax Mister heart attack waiting to happen. It’s just a pun.

The second review rightly points out that neither the ad nor the mask give any hint as to the alien’s race, religion or ethnic group. So take that first reviewer. Plus it is an alien. And the only race that aliens have is to see who can get here first and slice up cows for science. Enough said.

Not Sure Who To Cheer For: Jason Vorhees VS Jaws Diorama Statue

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jason vs jawsThis custom diorama depicts the epic struggle that is Jason VS. Jaws. Jason is firmly in the Jaws…of Jaws. He is also busy carving out an eye and somehow still has his mask on. The shark is all like, just give me some of the sweet serial killer om nom nom.

This lovely piece is just $250. from Ebay. Phaw! I could take that shark. I mean, if I had the money, I would take it. What are you crazy? I’m not going up against some shark in a fist fight. I have to run away each time I sprinkle fish food in my aquarium, which explains that mound of fish flakes on the floor. Say, do you think there’s a connection between that and the tendency of my fish to just give up and do a death-float the surface?

Nah. Probably just sick when I bought ’em.
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