Category: Craft Fail

Realistic Hand Lamp Rockin’ A Kung-Fu Grip

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

hand lampLook at all of the detail on this very literal “hand lamp”. It has pores and even little hairs. I’m pretty sure there are hairs on the palm too, since it is rocking that manly grip so tight. The seller should have called it “The Handy.”

It will take a real handy dude to install this light fixture. I’m just not sure if they take on hand jobs like that. Thank you. I’ll be here all week, wondering why I’m still single. It may be my choice of interior lighting.

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Ultimate Golfer Side Table With Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

golfer table lampOh Ebay. Does your craziness know no bounds? No. It obviously does not. This bit of geriatric-inspired furniture is a $75 Golfer table lamp. The bottom part looks just like any old timer wiling away his retirement, while the top gives you a view of the green.

If it starts walking toward me, I’m clubbing it with it’s own golf club. Just saying. Where I come from, if you see pants like those approaching you, you yell stranger danger real effin’ loud, otherwise you end up in the back of a van sucking on a lolipop, singing row-row-row-your-boat with funny pants man at the wheel, as tears stream down your face.

Happened to me just last week, but never again! I buy my candy like everyone else now.
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And Now, A Chicken With A Lion Head, Crowned With A Tiara

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

chicken princessThe Ebay seller who unleashed this strange demon calls it a “Woodland Princess Creature.” I just see a half plucked chicken with a tiara and an old man lion face. Dude essentially just took a butterball and put some jewelry on it. It’s only $23. This thing might come in handy as bait to catch other chickens. Chickens with very bad eyesight. Damn that thing is pluckin’ ugly!
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Turning Laundry Into Money: Levi’s Jeans Sculpture

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levis jeans artThis is a pile of dirty laundry turned into a Jeans sculpture by artist Chris Riggs. He basically stapled a bunch of Levi’s jeans onto a piece of wood so they could have a denim orgy and fetch $1,999. from some bidder who needs pants on their wall.

Big deal. My pants do this all the time. I take ’em off, throw ’em over a frame hanging on my wall and they either stick or they don’t. I don’t make a big deal about it and call it “art”. Some people. Actually they always stick. Then they get stiff and it’s impossible to tear them off. The mound sticks out like 2 feet now. I use the pockets as an organizer to hold pens and stuff. As you might have guessed, I don’t get much company.

Jar Jar Binks Is The Ultimate Warrior, With Sword and Cyber Shield

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jar jar binks warriorJar Jar Binks is the bane of the Star Wars prequels, but now he is back and ready for action! He came to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And he is all out of bubble gum!

This Gungan doesn’t need a gun-gun. He has his sword and shield and even a power crystal! Get ready for the ultimate sequel/prequel/squee-quel: JAR WARS! Directed by a 5 year old with a hot-glue gun and a dream.

It’s enough to make Jabba The Hutt puke!
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