I’m gonna give this Eye Necklace to my wife so she can say what she always says. “Hey, my eyes are up here. Wait-!”
“That’s right, your eyes are in fact just where I was looking! Ha! Now I can look at boobs and your eyes at the same time. I win! I have found a way around that age old response!”
“Really? Have you found a way to pull your balls back out of your stomach after I kick them?”
“Uh. Not yet. Let me get on that and get back to you.”
“And stop looking at my eyes!”
I have no idea what this mask is about, but it hides your face and makes it look like you are transforming into an alien queen. By the time this mask melds with your skin and you scream in horror trying to pull it off, it will already be too late.
Next thing you know, you’ll be dropping alien eggs from under your dress, which burst out of the shell and skitter away to hug another face. Thanks for infecting us all. The human race really appreciates that. Nice one. I’m off to hide in some old bomb shelter for like 20 years. I’m bringing a radio to drown out the screams above.
Read more “Face Mask For Alien Queen’s In Training”
Holy leaping lizards! I am the lizard king. I can do anything! This lizard king mask is awesome as hell. I mean, just imagine being the actual lizard king! Every time you walk into a room full of lizards, they would all stand at attention. Fancy medieval castle music might even play.
I personally never thought that I would get a shot at lizard royalty, but this mask gives me a chance at my dreams. I would make a few grunts and order a random Chameleon executed while I stuff my fat lizard face with food. I hate those guys. I would go mad with power.
Be right back. Gotta drain the lizard!
Read more “Lizard King Mask”
You know, I don’t see what the big deal is about this Dead Spider Leg Ring. I mean, I already have a million of these things to choose from and they didn’t cost me anything. *Walks into the garage. Looks through the dust at the selection of dead spiders, legs all up in the air.* Which one of you will it be today? Ah! You. You have pretty red markings!
Guys, check out my sweet dead spider ring, complete with hourglass design. OW!!!! It’s alive. It’s alive. Not letting go! Hourglass means what? Well, I’m off to the hospital. *Looks at spider still attached to finger* You think you’re a widow? Not anymore. I’ll get the hospital in time my dear. This time I shall be the widow…er. *Throws it down. Stomps it good.*
This is a Grumpy Old Man Face Necklace. I only showed one cuz one grumpy old coot looks pretty much like another. Grumpy old men are totally in style this season. Also, when you ladies wear this, it’s like man repellent. Let’s say you’re on a date and the guy gets all touchy-feely. That’s when this thing comes to life.
“Whoa Nelly. I’d move that hand mister. I dint raise this calf to be milked by the likes o you!” And this creepy coffin dodger doesn’t just have eyes on your upper half. Let’s say your date tries to make a move in a much lower area. “Got Dammit! Get off my lawn you somb-itch!”
Yeah, wear this old fart if you want, just don’t expect any sexy-time. At least the nose pendant can only smell what you are doing.