Category: Creep Wear

Dragon Eye Eye Patches

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Dragon Eye Eye Patches
Cue montage of me beating up meat in a freezer. Training hardcore rocky style while I wear my sweet Dragon eye patch. Jumping rope. Doing sit ups as my trainer teases me with a piece of bacon just out of reach. I’m feeling good! Feeling pumped! I can do this!

It’s the…eye of the dragon
It’s the thrill of the fight….

Mick, my trainer is all like, “Are you a dragon or a door mouse? Get out there and do it. Show ’em what a dragon can do. You got heart kid. Clobber ’em and breath fire. Don’t stop until the fire department comes to pick up his ashes. Eye of the dragon kid! Now go!” *Pushes me into the ring.*

Ding. Ding.

In this corner, me, hitting my gloves together and jumping up and down, ready for action. In the opposite corner… Yeah, it’s that spider that I saw, looking creepy as f**k.

*Runs away screaming.* Here, you have the eye of the dragon Mick. I don’t want it anymore. I’m just gonna get a fly swatter and hope for the best. Can you kill it? Please?????

Octopus Hoodie

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Octopus Hoodie
I love that show with the transforming and ink squirting octopi. “Ink squirters. More than meets the eye.” Octo-mus Prime is my favorite. Wait. I’m mixing stuff up again. Which usually starts with mixing meds. I have no idea what I’m saying, or even where I am half the time, but if there is one thing we can agree on it is this: Octopussy was not the best James Bond flick, but it had the best name.

Another thing we can agree on? That this Octopus Hoodie is the coolest effin hoodie in the hood any day of the week. (Almost typed day of the weak which is everyday for me.) Don’t believe me? Then I’ll shoot you with my Glock…topus. Son.

I’ll leave you with this bit of wisdom: You kids think tats are awesome and all, but Octopus wrestlers were getting inked long before it was cool. Think about it.
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Victorian Skull Cufflinks

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Victorian Skull Cufflinks
Victorian Skull Cufflinks are skulls for your formal attire. Whatever that means. I don’t dress up. Obviously. Put ’em on your cuffs and look creepy and awesome. They don’t have jaws so they won’t give you any jibber-jabber.

I had a pair of cufflinks once. Was on my way to some fancy shindig and trying to get ’em on, when I said to this guy, “Cuff me. Would ya?” So he cuffed me and threw me in the back of the police car. He eventually helped me with my cufflinks and let me off with a warning not to turn myself in like that, followed by “You fat bas*ard.” I agreed and we went our separate ways.
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Ventriloquist Mask Makes You The Dummy

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Ventriloquist Mask
This Ventriloquist Mask makes you the dummy. Wait. Isn’t the Ventriloquist always the dummy? And the dummy is always the ventriloquist. Man, it’s confusing when one dude talks as another without moving his lips. Also, ventriloquist is really hard to spell. I googled it to check the spelling and it said, “F**k that. Too hard.” Hope I got it right, because the first time I spelled it “ventrilo-queff-ist” and I’m like, really? No way is that right cuz one person can NOT fart for another without moving their lips.

Anyway, this mask makes you look like a dummy. Also like Alfred E. Newman. What me worry? Nah. I never worry. Unless I see this face coming at me. Then I’m screaming like a banshee. And by banshee I mean little girl.

What the Pug?: Crazy Animal Sleep Masks

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animal sleep masks
appendageaccessories sells all kinds of cool animal masks, which are perfect for your secret animal identities. I know I have a secret identity when I sleep. I wear the Pug dog mask. He goes by the name of Pugsy Malone and likes to chew on old shoes and pee in corners and play humpy time with stuffed animals. Until the wife hits me with rolled up newspaper. That’s how I know it’s time to actually sleep. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I get the rest of my life when I wear that mask.

Sometimes I’m the cat and I stay up all night meowing, with the occasional poop and pee in a box, only to wake up and find that my keys and wallet were in there.
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