Category: Creep Wear

Freaky Teeth Coin Purse

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

vintage teeth coin purse
Your total is fifty dollars and forty-nine cents sir.

Here you go. Here is fifty dollars. And here is my Freaky Teeth Coin Purse where you can get the change. *Holds it up* You may open it.

Uh. I’m good. You open it.

No, I insist, you open it.

I’m not touching that mouth sir!

Go ahead. I can’t open it. I have arthritis.

Sir, you and your freak lady purse with teeth are holding up the line. Just go.

Well I never. *Bags my groceries and leaves* YES! This demented dental purse has saved me like seventy bucks this week. *Whistles through the parking lot.*

Cheeseburger Tie

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cheeseburger tie
I could drip grease and burger sauce all over this Cheeseburger Tie and nobody would notice. I’ll just wear it as a napkin and dab at the corners of mouth after every meal, like a truly civilized cheeseburger eater. Anyway, your accessories should match whatever you are putting in your mouth. At least that’s what Honey Boo Boo’s mom says. Which explains why she is fond of mayonnaise colored moo moos.

Sadly, I find myself blogging from KFC, where this tie won’t work at all. Anyway, I’m out. Time to close this laptop and get off the toilet. What the? No toilet paper? Is this a joke? Why would KFC not have toilet paper. Or even some napkins. Oh, that’s right. Cuz it’s finger lickin’ good! Real funny Colonel Sanders. Just for that I ain’t flushin’. There’s your bucket of chicken back.

T-Rex “Jurassic Pump” Dinosaur Heels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

t rex jurassic pump dinosaur heels
These T-Rex heels are dino-mite! They turn you into a sexy Leg-o-saurus with plenty of Rex-appeal. Word play. Deal with it. I’ve never seen a better pair of Jurassic Pumps and I’ve seen my great great grandmother’s shoes. And you know how I know that oil doesn’t come from dinosaur bones? Because she was ancient and she didn’t turn into oil. I know because they dug up her cemetery to erect a new Arbys.

They say that late at night, when all of the roast beef is put away, a ghostly figure approaches the counter and tries to pay with all nickels. Although that could be any geezer’s ghost.
Read more “T-Rex “Jurassic Pump” Dinosaur Heels”

Ringpet Turns Your Pets Into 3D Printed Rings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Ringpet Turns Your Pets Into 3D Printed Rings
Turn your pet into a 3D ring! A company from japan, called RingPet wants you to wear your pets on your fingers. Just register on the Ringpet website and upload a few photographs of your pet taken from various angles and Ringpet does the rest.

Does ringworm count? I was rocking ring-worm long before it became fashionable. I’m gonna send them pictures of my cat, Mr. Fluff N Stuff. Then I’m gonna order like 10 rings and have two sweet sets of Kitty brass knuckles. You mess with me you incur the wrath of 10 vicious Kitties on two fists of furry. I mean fury.

Who am I kidding? I’ll probably just put on a finger puppet show for the cats in the neighborhood. I like to give back. They have given me so much. Fleas, cat scratch fever, poop on my floor…

Custom Metalwork Eye Patch

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

custom eye patch
Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something sexy about a lady in a Custom Metalwork Eye Patch. You’re a sexy sexy steampunk cyborg pirate aren’t you? They say that in the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king. I say, in the presence of a one-eyed lady, I may actually have a chance. Don’t get me wrong, that chance is slim and none, but it is a chance.

Slim and none means no chance dumbass.

Shows what you know. Slim and nun means I have to go to church to find the girl of my dreams. Hmmmm. Getting through the door without burning a fiery death, that’s the problem.