This Mr And Mrs Frankenstein Knife Set is purely for decorative purposes, but it should read “In case of marital monster fight break glass”. That way Mr. and Mrs. monster can fight to the death. It probably turns them on. Monsters are weird like that.
You get two twin butcher knives that are hand painted with the likeness of Frankenstein and his bride, in a shadow box.
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Sorry I’m a month late, but here’s your Valentine’s day gift. See why I am forever alone? This Fatally Yours Gourmet Chocolate Box makes an awesome gift. As long as it’s not late. Things are always better when they’re not late. Like bills and periods. This box is full of chocolate skulls, bones, coffins, and anatomically-correct hearts. Order one early for next year so you aren’t late. These chocolates look diabolical and delicious.
Funny story. When I first saw the name of these chocolates I thought it said Fetally yours. I was disappointed that it wasn’t full of cute little chocolate fetuses, some with creamy nougat filling, some with almonds… But you know how I like weird stuff.
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You want something to crow about? I’ll give you something to crow about! How about this awesome must have Crow Black Magic Journal. You can write all your black magic spells on the pages inside. Or draw funny cartoons. Or write down your ten favorite Spam recipes. Whatever you want. Spam recipes? Now that’s horrifying. It comes with an optional black feather pen. My now bald pet bird will be happy about that. He gives me feathers for pens. I lose them.
It’s so lovely and scary. I just want to touch it.
Like I don’t have enough spider webs in my corners. You expect me to hang this Stained Glass Corner Spider Web up too? I refuse to get into your web of intrigue. What kind of web are you spinning? It looks terrifyingly poisonous and deadly. SpiderwoodHollow sells all kinds of spider webs. Just in case you didn’t have enough. I don’t know about you, but I like to throw them snacks while I’m watching TV, which explains why every corner of my house has Cheetos and Doritos levitating in place. Spiders are picky. They never even wrap them to eat later.
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Oh look, it’s that demented little freak from the Saw movies. Billy the puppet. What kind of sick game do you have for me this time? Protecting my surfaces from spills with these Billy From Saw Drink Coasters? What’s the catch? Will they self destruct in an hour while I have to saw my own leg off?
Oh I know what it is. They protect your surfaces from spills, but then you find out that the coasters themselves have stained your counter! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. You evil little son of a-.
Oh, I can’t stay mad at you. C’mere and give me a hug. Awww. Come closer. That’s it. There we go. *Shoves his face into the stain.* Don’t you ever f**k with my counter tops again. Bad puppet!