Tag: accessory

Monster Boxes With Teeth

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etsy monster teeth box
You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.

Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.

*Two years later*

*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.

God dammit!
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Monster Bags: Your Emotional Baggage Now Has A Face

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etsy monster bag
Etsy seller pippenwycks sells all kinds of cool Monster Bags. Dice bags, Clutch(Your heart and die at the sight of those teeth) bags, shoulder bags and more. They probably have bags under their eyes from staying up late at night, creating monsters. Funny story: That’s what my mom said when she had me.

I’d get one, but it ain’t my bag… Man. Besides, papa’s got a brand new bag. No, really. It’s nice. No teeth or eyes anywhere. In fact, I just opened it and it contains an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich and some curly fries. The monster is me! *Om nom nom nom. Choke. Gasp.* Ate too fast. Drank too fast. Swallowed the straw. It’s really stuck in there, but on the plus side, it’s a straw so… I get extra points for choking while still being able to breath. ER here I come again. Where’s that EZ-Pass / Fast Pass card they gave me?
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Tentacle Toilet Paper Roll Holder

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tentacle toilet paper holder
I’ve been grunting and groaning for like an hour here. Even completed like 3 crossword puzzles. Time to wipe. Wanna lend me a tentacle here Cthulhu? Ah, thanks bud. You take good care of me. You’ve seen things in this room that would shock lesser beings, but you always come through.

This Tentacle Toilet Paper Roll Holder is ready to serve up butt-paper whenever you need it. I like to shake his tentacle after, just out of respect. Give it a little fist bump, followed by an explosion. I like it. He complains that I didn’t wash my hands first. He’s got a point.

Skull Shaving Brush

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skull shaving brush
Use a skull to shave your skull. You hairy-skulled beast! The Skull Shaving Brush is a scary, yet elegant way to shave that man-beard off. Me? I haven’t shaved for like 2 years. I’m going all biblical on your arses. I went outside the other day to fix the walkway and the kids next door were all like, “Hey Moses. Nice stone tablets. You broke your own 1st commandment: Don’t be a fat loser!”

That’s okay, because the night before I did his mom and I’m pretty sure I left her with a burning bush. Also when she got a little rough and squeezed my man junk, I shouted “Let my people go!”

Yeah, so f**k that kid!
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Herman Hammerhead Dog Poo Bag

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etsy handmade dog poo bag holder
Herman Hammerhead loves poo. He is a dog doo doo bag who actually looks fairly terrified at what he does for a living. He is the perfect accessory for those long dog walks when fifi has the runs.

Herman Hammerhead honestly hates horrible heated hemmorhoids. Ha. They all start with H. Now I feel like I’ve accomplished something today. Other than 10 complete games of solitaire and continued unemployment. Take that, “The man”! And my fifth grade teacher who said that all I would ever be was a “Professional Jackass”!

It’s like he traveled into the future and read the blog!