Heads will roll, I mean turn, when you wear this awesome Guillotine Necklace. You should totally get a little action figure and put it’s head in this. Something innocent like E.T. or C-3PO. I hate both those guys. Is it Gee-O-Tine or Gill-O-Tine? I can never get that right. Gill-O-Tine sounds like a protein drink for fish. Pretty sure that ain’t right. Whatevs.
It’s a sharp and primitive instrument of death. For your neck.
Etsy seller CloseByMe will put the cremated remains of your loved ones into a ring of your choosing. You send her a pinch or two of your loved ones and she will work her strange sorcery as she forges the (Loved) one ring. Then you can wear your precious and stop grooming and stuff, until you and the (Loved) One ring are in a cave together in Middle Earth.
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Sweeeeeet! So let me get this straight. You are going to sell me the Grim Reaper’s robe and with it, all of his powers over life and death? Just checking cuz I’ve been duped before. The last time someone promised me a Grim Reaper robe, it was actually an adolescent size Robin robe from Batman and Robin fame. There I was, fat man-gut hanging out, eye-mask and cape on, standing over some dude’s bed trying to persuade him that, “It is time!” and pointing down the hall.
It was time alright. For him to give me two black eyes and a wedgy, while holding me for the police. Yeah that’s real funny Sargeant handlebar mustache of the local PD. Yes, I reap what I sew. Oh, hilarious Blue Oyster Cult reference. Don’t fear the Reaper! You’re a barrel of laughs. You’ll be the first on my list when I buy this thing.
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Sweeeet! A Decorative Coffin along with the chocolate that’s gonna put me inside it’s cramped embrace one day! Important note: These aren’t real chocolates, which is why my first bite ended in agony with bits of broken tooth all over my floor. Tried superglue, but that just made my mouth look like tetris pieces all lined up like in a game played by a twitchy speed freak.
So it was back to the dentist. I walk in and it’s the usual. Sees me. Smiles like a lunatic. Pulls up some luxury car websites on his iPad and asks what I’m going to be buying him today. I like that he includes his victims in his purchase decisions. Looks in my mouth. I point and say “Tetris”. He looks deeper. “No. That’s more like Jenga. Let’s get started. Which piece should I remove first? Love this game.”
After that I just remember waking up to him yelling “YAHTZEE!” and shaking my teeth in a cup with some nurses in the corner of the room.
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Sleep like the dead in this city morgue sleeping bag.
What happened here lieutenant? I’m not sure sir. Witnesses say he was dead tired and just collapsed and wrapped this body bag around himself. Hmmm. Sounds like another blogger all hopped up on Monster energy drinks and cheetos. It might be that Creepbay guy again. You keep this crime scene clean. I’m gonna talk to forensics and see what they think. He may just be sleeping, but I don’t wanna touch him. Dead bodies are icky! Until I know for sure, nobody gets in or out.
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