What has 6 eyes, 6 arms and two legs, a bunch of stitches and dinner twitching all around it? The Frankenstein Spider Doll. I don’t know if she’s poisonous or not, but she has style.

Guys, I don’t want to scare you but I think I might have the whole Spider-Man thing going on. I was bit by a spider one time and I spent the whole day spinning web out of my butt and bouncing up and down on one strand.

“That was the day you were Peter Pan in the school play. You also had tacos! That janitor was 2 days away from retirement.”

Okay, how do you explain that I would grab a hunk of meat out of the fridge, use both hands to spin a saran wrap cocoon around it and then suck the blood dry?

“That was your ‘I’m afraid to touch meat’ phase, which coincided with your ‘I’m afraid to chew meat’ phase. Basically you are a neurotic and hypochondriac idiot!”

I don’t know what that means, but fine. You still can’t explain why my spider abdomen got so huge overnight.

“Because your spider abdomen is full of half priced booze and stuffed crust pizza. And by overnight, you must mean every night.”

How do you explain my presence on the world wide web then. Hah! I win!
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