Tag: ebay

Gay Toys Baseball Helmets

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

gay toys baseball hatsI’m going to put a peacock feather on my hat and really show up that pitcher. Gonna hit a line drive right upside his head and then I’m going to steal second base like he stole my heart last season. The name on the uniform is Prancer for a reason! It rhymes with dancer! What’s that Mr. Umpire? Do I like to play Reindeer games? Do I ever? You cheeky thing.

Hey Mr Pitcher man! Over here! We just met and already I got to second base. Hey look over here while I’m finger-waving at you and twirling my feather boa. Oh enough with the making dough eyes you silly goose. God, I love this game!

And Now, A Chicken With A Lion Head, Crowned With A Tiara

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

chicken princessThe Ebay seller who unleashed this strange demon calls it a “Woodland Princess Creature.” I just see a half plucked chicken with a tiara and an old man lion face. Dude essentially just took a butterball and put some jewelry on it. It’s only $23. This thing might come in handy as bait to catch other chickens. Chickens with very bad eyesight. Damn that thing is pluckin’ ugly!
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Weird Hoof Taxidermy Purse

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

hoof purseLooking for a new purse? You better hoof it to the store and pay like crazy money for the latest and greatest pieces that bear expensive names who wouldn’t even shake hands with the likes of you. And besides, those un-calloused hands are too busy whipping their slave labor.

Screw that jazz. Just head over to Ebay and buy a purse that looks like it will run away as soon as you set it down. Hey, where ya going with my lipstick? The hoof purse is just $110 and if somebody ever tries to steal it, they are gonna get some serious kicks from animal hooves as you swing this thing. Seriously, the cops will identify the perp by the hoof marks on his weaselly face.
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Antique Ball And Chain: Wife Not Included

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

ball and chainAh, the old ball and chain. Or as I call it, a $600 marriage simulator. Just attach this baby to your leg and get to dragging it. It isn’t a perfect simulation. I mean, you won’t have anyone nagging you about your glass leaving rings on the furniture, or complaining about that new power drill you bought for her birthday, but you will be sore and hurting after about a week with this thing.

I kid. I kid. My wife is great. And by wife, I mean cat. I still have to feed her and provide for her like a real woman, but she doesn’t hiss nearly as loud when I do something wrong. And you can’t get the wife de-clawed! Am I right fellows?*waits for high five that never comes* Sigh. I am so so lonely.

Yes, I will scratch between your ears. Yes, I’ll get the fancy food you like. I told you, I’ll clean the litter box when I have time. You did what? Great. Poop on the bed. Real grownup. You did that because my mother is visiting. Don’t deny it.

Looks Like Puffer Fish People: Weird Spiky Triple Head Art

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

spiky head artTwo heads are better than one, so that means that three spiky heads must be way better then two. They look like that dude from Hellraiser, only twice as nasty. Make that three times. It can be yours for $800. *art snob voice* My, what an interesting piece. I must get closer and inspect the colors and texture. It speaks of abstract longing and- My Eye! My goddamn eye! I’ll never work as an art critic again and be forced to actually earn my money! I won’t go back to accounting! I won’t!”

It will prick you at every opportunity and feast, every time you pass by, as it slowly grows a fourth head. A head that looks just like yours.

Click through for more images and a bonus video where you can see a hot chick holding it up Price Is Right style.
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