Yeah, that about sums up marriage. This Headstone Wedding Cake Topper is a sinister reminder of what you are getting into. Funny story: I used to think that headstone meant something different, which is why I would go to cemeteries and wait all night for nothing to happen. Again, kind of like marriage. Anyway, enjoy your cake and endure your marriage.
Tag: marriage
Game Over Man: Wedding Ring Casket
The Wedding Ring Casket is a tiny casket that symbolizes the death of your marriage. Just put your ring inside and and bury your wedding ring after you get divorced. If you ever want to get married again you’re basically a grave robber, cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying a brand new wedding ring for a jillion dollars when I have a perfectly good one buried in the backyard between a parakeet and two turtles.
I’m not married, but I bought the ring like 20 years ago for when I meet the right girl. I think I’m just gonna bury it now and save myself some trouble. Hey, if I bury this thing and a worm crawls in the ring, are we married? I think that might be legally binding. Also, it would mean I have worms. That doctor was so right and all I did was yell and demand my lollipop while rubbing my butt against the floor. I knew if I waited long enough SOMETHING would worm it’s way into my heart.
Dinosaur Bride & Groom Wedding Cake Toppers
Do you take this T-Rex, in extinction and in health, till death do you part by fiery meteor shower that reigns death upon the Earth? You do? You may now kiss the bride.
These Dinosaur Bride & Groom Wedding Cake Toppers are perfect for couples who can’t hug each other due to small stubby arms. Or, you know, just people who like dinosaurs. Which reminds me, I have a Jurassic Park playset and action figures that I need to get back to. Laterz!
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Name Your Poison Whiskey Glasses
These Name Your Poison Whiskey Glasses are pretty cool, but they forgot marriage. And taxes. I kid, I kid. I married my wife for tax purposes so it’s all good. She got me this set for Christmas last year and I’ve been drinking out of the arsenic one ever since. Also not feeling very well and constantly pooping myself as she laughs.
You can’t even poison me right you cow!
Shut up you fat old idiot! I’m pouring you a double right f***ing now!
Oh, I’m drinking! I’ll take two!
*dodges flying glass*
I’ll see you in hell old man! I’ll be the bartender!
Antique Ball And Chain: Wife Not Included
Ah, the old ball and chain. Or as I call it, a $600 marriage simulator. Just attach this baby to your leg and get to dragging it. It isn’t a perfect simulation. I mean, you won’t have anyone nagging you about your glass leaving rings on the furniture, or complaining about that new power drill you bought for her birthday, but you will be sore and hurting after about a week with this thing.
I kid. I kid. My wife is great. And by wife, I mean cat. I still have to feed her and provide for her like a real woman, but she doesn’t hiss nearly as loud when I do something wrong. And you can’t get the wife de-clawed! Am I right fellows?*waits for high five that never comes* Sigh. I am so so lonely.
Yes, I will scratch between your ears. Yes, I’ll get the fancy food you like. I told you, I’ll clean the litter box when I have time. You did what? Great. Poop on the bed. Real grownup. You did that because my mother is visiting. Don’t deny it.