Tag: etsy

Vintage Bat Sunglasses

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Vintage Bat Sunglasses
Go batty with these cool Vintage Bat Sunglasses. If you don’t mind people knowing that you’re a vampire, these are perfect. I should check with my bat-tometrist and see if these will work with my own limited bat-like vision. *Tosses my old glasses aside.* Goodbye coke-bottle lenses! You think that’s bad, my eye doctor wanted me to upgrade to Pepsi. We compromised at Mountain dew. *Tries on bat sunglasses.* Yeah, that didn’t help.

Oh, right… Sunglasses. If I could read the writing, I would have known that. That’s me, blind as a bat. At least now I can have a bat on my face.

Anatomical Heart Vase

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Anatomical Heart Vase
Your honor, I present exhibit A into evidence. An Anatomical Heart Vase. My case rests on one simple fact- The prosecution is out of order! What? No way! I’m out aorta? You’re out aorta! This whole damn courtroom is out aorta!

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. This vase is awesome. The next time someone tells you to have a heart, just show it to them. Burn! Already got one buddy. And it’s cold and black! Full of flowers too, so I guess it’s warm after all. Kind of a happy medium. Every time you cut the stems on your flowers, you will feel like you are performing triple bypass surgery.
Read more “Anatomical Heart Vase”

The Wooden Tarot Card Deck

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

The Wooden Tarot Card Deck
*Grabs my new Wooden Tarot Card Deck. Gets ready for my next customer to come in the shop.* Good day sir. Let us consult the cards and divine your future. Wanna cut the deck? I have a full house, how about you? Never mind, give me those back. *Shuffles like a madman* Hmmmm. This card is interesting.

Is it the death card?

Nope, Go fish! JK JK. No, it’s the fool card. Very appropriate since you paid like $200 for this session. Now shhhhhh. I’m concentrating. No. No. It’s gone now. Hmmmm. Did you recently come into some money recently?

Actually yes I-

Can you shut up? I’m trying to give you a reading here? Sheesh.

You will meet a tall and handsome stranger, but that’s just me. Congrats by the way. I hear I’m really awesome to be around. Hmmmm. This is very interesting. I see you in a relationship. I see a woman in a kitchen. This card says that she’s waiting.

That is my wife. She expects me home for dinner in an hour.

What is for dinner? Let me draw the card. Is it steak? Spare Ribs? Sueeee-wheat! I am starving! We’ll continue this over dinner.
Read more “The Wooden Tarot Card Deck”

Gargoyle Claw Back Scratcher – There Will Be Blood

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Gargoyle Claw Back Scratcher - There Will Be BloodThis Gargoyle Claw Back Scratcher comes in several different colors. All will scratch your back like a crazed Gargoyle. They will scratch that itch, whether it’s a seven year itch, or other itch. Okay back scratcher, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Looks like you don’t have a back, so it’s gonna be all me. Oh yeah. It’s the Itchy and Scratchy show up in here. Oh yeah, right there. Harder. Harder. A little deeper. There ya go. *shakes it’s hand and puts it back on the shelf.* Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Jack Skellington Ceramic Bowl

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Jack Skellington Ceramic BowlAt last, I can eat my cereal out of an angry skull. This Jack Skellington Ceramic Bowl will have you singing, “What’s this? What’s this?” and jumping around on your too long, bony legs. Then your dad will smack you and say, “It’s a bowl stupid! Now sit down and eat!” My dad tolerated no shenanigans at the breakfast table.

Just pour your cereal in his gaping mouth, pour in the milk and eat up. Even though you’re eating from a skeleton’s mouth and getting all of his icky skeleton germs. “What’s this? What’s this?” *Slap!* “It’s the skeleton flu cuz you been mouth to mouth-ing with old bones. Now shut up and eat!”