Tag: etsy

Dragon Door Knocker

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dragon door knocker
This Dragon Door Knocker is going to look awesome on my front door. Especially after I took out that second mortgage to give the place that whole Game of Thrones makeover. So what if it looks more like a beat up Jenga pile. I’m no contractor. Knock knock knock! Who is it? It’s dragon. Dragon who? Dragon my butt, cuz I’m so tired from blogging all day.

You can’t come in, the king’s not here.

I am the king!

Prove it! Prove your worth by removing a giant stone block from the castle of Jenga and I’ll let you in.

We went through this last week and it’s not funny. I lost the entire bedroom that day. And you’re just some dude named Merlin who I’m renting a room to and who farts way to much, then tries to cover it up with magic. Fine whatever, but I’m taking a piece from your side of the castle this time.
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Horror Movie Jigsaw Puzzles

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

horror jigsaw puzzle
I tried one of these Horror Movie Jigsaw Puzzles, but they scared me so bad I had to go back to those grandma puzzles with the flowers and the fields and stuff. I don’t want to put together a jigsaw with…Jigsaw. “Do you want to play a game?” Well, yeah, but I thought you meant Monopoly or risk. Say, when can I get this bear trap off my head? My jaw is starting to hurt. What do you mean I sound like your last girlfriend? Hey! That’s messed up.

Anyway, you’re just a more modern and twisted Riddler without the green costume. Arrrrrgggghhhh! Why did the chair just shock me? You said you had cake! Where’s my cake? I should have known better than to trust some puppet dude who rides a tricycle!
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My Little Pony Alien Xenomorph: Friendship Is Tragic

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my little pony alien xenomorph
Aren’t you a cute wittle My Little Pony Alien Xenomorph. Who’s the cutest wutest wittle awein? I got your nose! Yes I did. I got your nose! ARRRRGHHHHH! It took a finger!

I should have got a Facehugger! At least it hugs you while it kills you! Bad Xenomorph. Bad! I would point at you while I say that, but I have no finger! Who the hell are you, anyway? Rainbow Slash? To Death?
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I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring

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speeding because i have to poop keychain
What seems to be the problem here officer?

You were doing 70 mph in a 10 mph school zone.

*Presents I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring*

You a funny guy?

Sometimes, but right now I’m prairie doggin’ it like crazy.

Can I see your license and registration- What in the name of god is that smell? Is there a dead corpse in the trunk?

*Reaches in back pocket for my now butt-mud covered wallet. Offers it to the officer with butt-mud covered fingers*

*Cop gags and retches. Covers his mouth with a cloth.* I’ve seen a lot in my career, but you sir are a disgusting human being! Get the hell out of here and get yourself checked for something dead inside you!

*On the road again. Looks at key chain* Well, that didn’t help!

Return Of The Living Dead Zombie In A Toxic Waste Barrel Incense Burner

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return of the living dead
This Trioxin Barrel Incense Burner Prop is hand scuplted and handmade. It even has a detailed sculpt of the Pre-Tarman character from the movie Return of the Living Dead looking out of the barrel. The incense burner can be placed under it. The two small holes drilled through the top opening lets the smoke escape, so it looks like toxic poison leaking from the barrel.

Pffft! I have like 4 full sized versions in my yard, all venting smoke. Got a sweet deal on this house because the government used it as a waste dump. Sure, the grass and trees all glow at night and the deer with antlers going down their backs like mohawks wake me up with their ungodly shrieks as they beg to die, but it’s all good. As soon as my DNA is finished changing, I’ll be the Toxic Avenger biatches!
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