The best part of waking up is Cthulhu in your cup. It’s true. With every sip he tickles my nose and my tastebuds with his coffee soaked tentacles. These Cthulhu Coffee Mugs are spec-tentacle-tacular. I’m not even awake until I’ve had my Cthulhu brew in the morning.
When I down that drink, I look to the bottom of the mug and we lock eyes. He winks. I wink. Then I slam the cup down in satisfaction and break it into a million shards. He finds a new mug for a home and we do the whole thing over again the next day. Read more “Cthulhu Coffee Mugs”
Alien encounters can be awkward and not just because they stick stuff in ya without buying you dinner first. Because you can’t understand a damn word they’re saying. This E.T. Extraterrestrial Communication Knowledge Transfer Device will help. So the next time they come to abduct you in the night, you’ll be able to understand their language.
That’s when you find out that they think humans are just a game of operation. The Goofy Game for Goofy Doctors. I know when I bought one of these, I heard “Alien Gary” bitching to “Alien Mike” about how his wife doesn’t understand him because his quasar zoomboffulator was overpriced and out of warranty and it makes a real miff-zi-stache of his home life. “Alien Mike” owns a Zeff farm full of grazing Zergnars and recently got caught “nerfing the herd”, which is why he got stuck on this sh***y work detail.
I was all like, “Guys, I know I’m gonna forget about all of this later, but please, concentrate on the task at hand! Damn that hurts. Pay attention. Am I impregnated yet or what? Gary, you gotta man up and face the wife! Mike… Mike, you’re just sick. Seriously. Get away from me. Gary, let’s hurry this up. I have an early morning tomorrow.
Your purse is a guppy! This purse is a shark! Embrace the shark ladies! This Open Mouth Shark Purse is hungry and waiting for all of your lady stuff. No, that didn’t sound right. I mean, like your lipsticks, eyeliner and whatever else you ladies keep in your purses. Wear it during shark week.
Just like a real shark’s mouth, everything disappears forever once it goes into a purse. I don’t know how many times my phone number has mysteriously disappeared when a woman sticks it in her purse. I’m gonna need a bigger note. Get it? Jaws. Need a bigger boat? Oh whatever. Of course, that was before cell phones. Which are now the new shark. Oh, sorry my phone ate your number. Do you want it again? Uh, no.
This Color Changing Mushroom Night Light will make it seem like you are tripping balls, when in fact, you are tripping the light fantastic. I have no idea what that means. And that’s okay. Everything is okay as long as I float within the void. Watching monkey-faced mermaids swim past me. It’s all good. I’m floating closer to the happy trees now. There is a lake. Sooooo relaxing.
Wait. That lake is a giant mouth full of Cthulhu teeth, each one slapping it’s tentacles to whip the drooling saliva off the others. The giant tongue is lashing toward me-
*Wakes up breathing heavy.* Thank god I don’t do drugs. I wonder what makes me dream like that every night and makes me a nervous wreck. Oh well. Goodnight color change mushroom night light. Read more “Color Changing Mushroom Night Light”
I pity the fool don’t have no jewelry! I guess that means I pity myself since I pawned all of my jewelry after the A-Team was cancelled. Just didn’t have the heart to keep rocking that mohawk and wearing that bling if my main man T wasn’t on the scene.
Being a part of the Mr. T club can be expensive though. All of those gold chains cost a lot of cheddar. That’s why you need a Mr. T Starter Kit like this. It has everything you need for $36. and even arrives at your door gift wrapped in a classy purple Crown Royal liquor bag. Nice!
