Tag: etsy

Friendship Is Tragic: Fluttershy My Little Pony Gun

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

fluttershy gunEvery pony needs a pistol and if ponies could pack heat, they would be packin’ heat like this Fluttershy gun.

It’s a plastic toy gun that someone painted with a Fluttershy theme. I call it Fluttershot. Don’t get butt-shot with Fluttershot. It’s all about friendship and kindness. Yeah right! When I went to visit Fluttershy in Equestria. I stepped in Fluttersh*t, then got Fluttershot in the butt with this damn gun. I was picking Fluttershot out of my flesh for hours.
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That’s Duct Up: Creepy Duct Tape Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

duct tape maskWith this duct tape mask you can become the ultimate DIY villain. Just wear this mask, hang like 6 rolls of duct tape off your utility belt, put a strip of duct tape down the side of each pant leg like Han Solo, and hit the streets. How long do you think it’s going to be before Batman comes for you?

What’s that? You just don’t give a duct? Fair enough. At least allow me to give you a theme song. This is song to the tune of the Duck Tales theme, because I have found that to come in handy for all kinds of made up songs in my life. Here goes:

Do do do do do-to-da do oh Duct Man. Wooo-hooo.

It just repeats like that. I know, brilliant right? Cartoons are awesome. I learned a lot from that show. Scrooge McDuck also taught me that pants are completely optional. Of course the local Five-O taught me different, but that’s another story.

Hey, that’s a good name. Scrooge McDuct!

Maybe a Game of Thrones slogan: For the night is duct and full of terrors…

No? Whatevs. Go duct yourself.

Horror Movie Shrunken Heads

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

horror movie shrunken headsCheck out these shrunken heads of Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers and Sam. They aren’t going to be terrorizing anyone now. Not without a tiny body attached to those tiny shriveled heads.

However, I’m sure they still bite. So keep your fingers away from them.

Framed Man-Beast Wearing Underwear

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man-beast in underwearCheck out this framed man-beast crotch, packing more hair than a grizzly. Etsy seller BeefcakeCraftArcade made this. Everyone needs a hobby I guess.

This man-beast has nothing on me, with that little cheeto bulge barely hanging over the frame. My Hanes would be exploding past that frame. Well, yeah, that’s mostly because of my belly, but trust me, my cheeto bag is full too!

The seller has a special note:

“The fur is soft and you’re gonna want to rub your face all over it. That’s fine and encouraged – pet it all you want! But please do not brush or shave the fur.”

Um, okay. Absolutely no danger of any of that happening from me. Just so we are clear.

Alien Decorative Vintage Plate

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alien plateI have a set of these myself. This plate is just like the ones that grandmother used to use. Except this thing will hypnotize you so you do the alien’s bidding. That probably explains why I promptly finish my meal and drop trou, awaiting the grand magnificence of their painal probe.

Hell of a way to end every dinner. Only this last time, I pulled my pants up and only to find divorce papers on the table. The wife has a no butt-cheeks on the table rule. Elbows too.