Twisted Toyland. Sounds like an adult sex shop. Deal me in! Nah. Just a cool set of tarot cards so some gypsy can tell your future. And that future is gonna involve some insane and demented toys. The Twisted Toyland Tarot Cards set is a 22 Card Major Arcana Tarot Deck. Who gives a reading with these cards? They’re all like, “I’ll charge you a hundred bucks to introduce you to the most demented toybox ever.” I’d be like, no thanks, cuz I had the most foul and darkest and most twisted toy box ever when I was a kid. But that’s only cuz I pooped in it(foul), my mom painted it black(darkest) and my dad was a sh*t carpenter(wood was all twisted).
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Tag: fortune telling
Palmistry Lampshade
Check out this cool Palmistry Lampshade. If I was a Palmist I would be all like, “Talk to the hand cuz the face don’t understand.” And I would have palm trees all over my reading room. No, not those palm trees. Palm trees that have human palms on every branch. And I would take Palm Sunday off, just cuz that’s what a Palmist does. And I’ll put Palmolive on the table and say, “You’re soaking in it!” And I would be able to tell from your palm who killed Laura Palmer. How many palm jokes can one man right? I don’t know, but I’m on fire like Napalm!
Actually, I’m tuckered out now. Not gonna palm it off on someone else. Just gonna stop. Not even a hairy palm joke. But I will say that I have no qualms about hairy palms.
Full Gothic Tarot Card Set
This is one beautiful Full Gothic Tarot Card Set that you can download and print out. Then you can open your own tarot card reading shop and I’ll drop by to be your first customer. Spoiler alert: The fool card is gonna come out and then you and I are gonna argue over which one of us it is.
Well, I don’t know, who’s the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him? I don’t have time for this foolishness. Oh yeah? Well make time cuz I booked a full reading! You mean you booked a fool reading! Yeah, that’s what I said- Why you-
Why do tarot card reading always end this way for me?
Zombie Tarot Cards
Look at the Zombie Tarot Cards. What do you see in my future? Is it bad? Is it the death card? Worse? Ohhhh the undead card. That sounds worse somehow. I’m just gonna shoot myself now, cuz all that walking around that zombies do looks wayyyy too tiring.
The upside is, if the zombies rise up, we can all attach our fitbits to their rotting wrists and brag about all the miles we’ve walked. People would be all like, “Then why are you still so fat?” Two words. Thyroid condition. Yeah, so back off.
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Fortune Telling Squirrel Taxidermy
Etsy seller DeadGoodJewellery‘s friend found some roadkill by the roadside(off-road kill in that case) so naturally they played with the corpse and turned it into a dead fortune telling squirrel. Because that is what most of us would do in that situation. She says that it is inspired by the film “The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus”.
Let me gaze into my crystal ball… I see darkness. No. Two lights approach.
Is it a tall handsome stranger?
No. It is a car.
Is it my car?
No. The headlights draw closer. The light is blinding.
Is it my mother? She is supposed to pick me up after this reading.
No. It is…Ahhhhh! So much blood.
Oh no. Am I going to die?
What? Sorry. Was seeing my own death in this thing. That happens sometimes. Holy hell! What a bloody mess! Where were we? Oh yeah. Your reading. Looks like you are destined to be mauled by a dead squirrel who is hell-bent on revenge. The answer is yes. You ARE going to die!
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