Tag: fun

CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit

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citi kitty cat toilet training
Your cat wants to be just like you so train that mangie minx to use the toilet with the CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit. Look fluffy, it’s 2015. Why are you still peeing and pooping in a box? And making me clean it? You think that’s funny? Now get on that toilet and drop some bombs. There’s some catnip in it for you if you don’t pee on the seat.

This kit includes a training seat and insert, guide, tip card, and catnip. Tip card? I’m not tipping that cat to do what he should be doing anyway. Here’s a tip: Flush afterwards. And the carpet is not toilet paper.

This Monopoly Sweater Gets You Free Parking All Day Long

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monopoly sweater
Sweet. I just bought Baltic Ave and Mediterranean. I’m a landlord! Finally! Woo-hoo! I am the king of great real estate decisions. Um, why is there a crack addict in that empty pool, playing a didgeridoo made out of like 10 rusty Mountain Dew cans? Also, why is the local lemonade stand manned by tweaky kids selling what appears to be blue rock candy? I guess I’m a slum lord. What a meth!

Who cares? With my awesome Monopoly sweater I feel like I own Park Place and Boardwalk. I’m pretending that the cockroaches crunching under my feet are just gravel. Gravel on my rich driveway. Gooey nasty gravel. This place isn’t so bad. Nah, it’s fine. That lady in the halter top and hot pants, leaning into that car window, must have just passed GO cuz the guy in the car gave her $200.

I want to go home to my zombie suburban wasteland!*tears*

Sumo Wrestler Notepad

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Sumo Wrestler Notepad
My wife pointed these Sumo Wrestler Notepads out to me. I quote, “If I leave a note for your lard ass on a notepad that has another lard ass on it, maybe you’ll actually notice and do your chores.”

Yeah well. You’re a lard ass!

Real original! Fatso. Remember that time you sat on your iPhone and turned it into an iPad?

Whatevs. Saw a Sci-Fi movie the other night. It starred Jane Fonda as you. Carb-arella!

F you! Rememember that time you sued Xbox 360 for guessing your weight?

They had a camera. I nearly won that case! Anyway, you’re so fat, you leave the house in high heels and come back in flip-flops.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

I think so even though you are a disgusting blob!

Good. Get to the bedroom you fat f**k. It’s Sumo time!

Teeth Crayons

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Teeth Crayons
You get older you lose your teeth. Or as my grandmother says, “You get older you lose your teef!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t get a new pair that you can color with. I’mma put these teeth crayons in my mouth, grab a coloring book and start biting as I move the page accordingly. If my printer can do it, I can do it. It’s how I eat stuff anyway. I’m like an old typewriter. *Nibble nibble nibble. Ding! Moves food back into position and repeats. Looks at the pile of crumbs at my feet. Tosses empty corn cob.*

Just gotta practice keeping the colors between the lines. *Holds up tattered and torn coloring book page.* Not bad. Too bad everything tastes like Crayola now.

Father’s Day Jack Links Beef Jerky Gift Box

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Father's Day Jack Links Beef Jerky Gift Box
Make this Father’s Day special by giving dad the gift of tough dry meat in a heart shaped box. With Bigfoot on it. Holding a Rose. Because Bigfoot loves you. Can you hear the Barry White that he’s playing?

*Walks into forest.Waits a half hour. Hears STOMP STOMP STOMP. Bigfoot approaches.*

It’s about time you came to see your old man.

Well, I’ve been busy acting like an idiot on my blog. You smell like piss and *sniffs* more piss. Happy Father’s Day. *Hands him the heart shaped box of jerky.*

That’s very thoughtful son. *Bigfoot tears* Wait. Are you using my image without permission again?

No dad. I didn’t make it. The beef jerky came that way.

This is just like you son. We need to talk about responsibility-

*Throws hands up.* Here we go. How about “Thank you son. Now I don’t have to track and kill a deer tonight, which I can’t do anyway because I smell like piss and am like 10 feet tall.” This is why mom left. I’m-

*Sirens. Cop gets out of his car nearby.* I repeat, we have TWO of them. Bring ’em in alive and we’ll be rich!

Oh poopy!