The Milli chair has got legs baby! Lots and lots of legs. It looks like it’s rearing up to attack. Just like it’s nasty siblings that show up in my house at night. I hate those guys. All long legs and twitchy and spazzy when you kill ’em.
At least I can ride this centipede chair and be recognized as the centipede overlord. They will all be at my command! And I’m gonna command them all to go to my neighbor’s house. Then I’ll just lie back and relax. Let this thing carry me wherever it wants.
I could drip grease and burger sauce all over this Cheeseburger Tie and nobody would notice. I’ll just wear it as a napkin and dab at the corners of mouth after every meal, like a truly civilized cheeseburger eater. Anyway, your accessories should match whatever you are putting in your mouth. At least that’s what Honey Boo Boo’s mom says. Which explains why she is fond of mayonnaise colored moo moos.
Sadly, I find myself blogging from KFC, where this tie won’t work at all. Anyway, I’m out. Time to close this laptop and get off the toilet. What the? No toilet paper? Is this a joke? Why would KFC not have toilet paper. Or even some napkins. Oh, that’s right. Cuz it’s finger lickin’ good! Real funny Colonel Sanders. Just for that I ain’t flushin’. There’s your bucket of chicken back.
You might not know it, but I’m a Chess grandmaster. No, really. I paid a grand for that diploma and it says master. So I’m totally qualified to buy this Awesome Dragons Chess Set. Trust me, it’s impressive, cuz I’m not even qualified to buy a bicycle. According to that guy at Toys R Us anyway. First off, I am NOT too “big, fat and stupid” to ride that bike with the sweet Pokemon design. Second, that frame was snapped in half long before I sat on it. Third, why can’t I pay you in snack foods?
Anyway, here there be dragons! I’ll spend my money on that instead. I’m not too big and fat to break a chess board with mighty dragons on it! Although I did once sit on a checkers board and break it in half. It was Chinese checkers though, so I blame shoddy workmanship. Not my big fat ass.
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Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals. Pretty cool. I have some names I just thought up. Manny Cure. Cutey Cull. Fungus Cyde. Heh. I got a million of ’em. But only ten nails. It’s like my daddy used to say, “You can’t build a house with only ten nails, but you can scratch your neighbor’s wife’s back and lay a good foundation.” I miss daddy. So wise. So horny. For the neighbor’s wife.
Anywho, now you can adopt some of these dumpster rugrats and put ’em right on your fingernails. Awesome. Another day, another blog post. Nailed it.
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Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Okay, these Hamburger Couch Pillows don’t have all of those things, but they come close. I would lay in this pile of pillows all day long, using the cheese as a blanket. Cuz I’m smart like that. And I’m already covered in cheese most days anyway.
*Looks down at yellow/orange shirt. Peels shirt off of my skin and starts eating it* Mmmmm. Still tastes like pepperoni! Why would I start the day off with a shirt when I knew I was gonna drip cheese all over myself anyway? What you call lazy, I call multitasking.
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