Tag: gag gift

Dirty And Clean Socks: Know Which Is Which

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dirty clean socks
Thank God for these Dirty And Clean Socks. It’s hard to know which socks are clean when you keep them all in 5 foot tall pile in the corner of the room. What can I say, my nesting instinct is strong and it’s been a cold winter. My mom came in and tried to wash them once and I hissed and shrieked until she went away, then dove in and watched from inside. That mound of smelly cotton is my precious.

I’ll still throw them in the corner until I fulfill my dream of an entire room full of cotton socks with my naked body in the center, but at least I will know what’s dirty and what’s clean. Until they are all inevitably dirty.

Willy Care Kit: Don’t Leave Home Without It

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Willy Care Kit
Man, I gotta start dating. Problem is when I signed up for match.com, my membership screen said “We have found a match for you: MY ASS YOUR FACE”. Nice. Thanks for nothing. I have feelings too you know. Except in my buttcheeks. They’re all tingly and numb from sitting here all day bringing you awesome and weird stuff. Go me.

This Willy Care Kit might help me to up my dating game. You gotta keep tidy and neat after all and us guys are dating for two. *Looks down* You and I both have to shape up. Then once we get a woman we can let ourselves go again. Deal?

This kit comes with a fluffing brush, styling sheers, a sprucing mirror and even some evening wear for the little guy in the form of a little necklace.

This Bloody Pillow Is Bloody Soft

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bloody pillow
Use this Bloody Pillow to prank your friends into thinking they are walking into a murder scene, because nothing says friendship like simulating murder and pretending to be a corpse lying in your own blood. I’m not judging. Different strokes for different folks.

I’m gonna buy it because it’s soft and comfy, not because it makes it look like I am bleeding from the head. If anyone happens to see me napping and call the cops, it wouldn’t be the first time. Of course last time it was because I just overdosed on red skittles and tomato juice while at the beach. Odd combination? Sure, but you gotta get your daily intake of vegetables in somehow. I had been drooling for like two hours. I vaguely remember Greenpeace saying they had never seen a whale so grotesque, but after that I blacked out.

Public Toilet Survival Kit

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public toilet kit
I find this Public Toilet Survival Kit very lacking in the real necessities for surviving a public toilet. Or should I say, pubic toilet since you will more than likely find some guys whole bush of pubes on the seat? My ideal public toilet survival items?

Magazine- I might be a while. Also helps to fan the stink around. Swat some flies.

Second magazine- This one you just throw in the toilet. It blocks other people’s nasty pee and poop larvae from splashing up into your butt more effectively than toilet paper. TP just does not prevent the upsplash after you drop a log.

Third magazine- I recommend a tabloid. In the event that the TP is out, you can smear some celebrity faces with your fecal fudge. The smile I get from smearing Kim Kardashian’s face with my brownie maker is priceless.

Use my 3 magazine system in conjunction with this survival kit and you will be just fine in even the nastiest bathroom.
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Pick Your Nose Paper Cups

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nose drinking cup
So basically these Pick Your Nose Paper Cups let you wear someone else’s nose while drinking your favorite beverage. They are very on the nose. I have to admit to being a little bummed out. You can choose from all those noses and there’s no Tucan Sam? What the hell man. I’m not seeing any weird Owen Wilson noses either. Man, that guy. I can’t watch any of his movies without wanting to pop that snozzer back in place with a nightstick. I kid, I kid. Though the dude is super annoying. Just pick your nose, which you probably do anyway and drink up. No need to be snooty about it or nosy. Keep your nose out of my business and into this cup.

Anyway, the nose knows. Knows what? Hell if I know. These paper cups are going to make drunken mate selection very confusing at parties. I thought she had a mustache when I picked her up, but she looked clean shaven in the morning. Oh well. I hope she cleaned my razor after. Also check out the runny nose gel dispenser. If you have some sort of weird nose fetish, you will enjoy having both in your home.
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