Tag: kawaii

These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry
If I had a purse, and I don’t, I would keep all of my junk food in it. What about that bag you carry around with you? That’s not a purse. That’s a laptop bag. Don’t you keep your chapstick in there? You shut up. You shut your fat mouth. You sound pretty emotional. Do you have any menstrual pads in there? Shut up! You hear me? Here, have a Snickers bar. You are a real diva when you get hungry. Thanks. *Om nom nom* Turns back into Steve Buscemi.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Me, Steve Buscemi, really digs these purses. I think you will too. They’re junk food, but also purses. I don’t carry a purse, but if I did- You do idiot. Shut up will you? Here, have another snickers. You are a real diva when you are Steve Buscemi. *Om nom nom.* Turns into Betty White.

You know what, I’m just gonna give up Snickers bars and be myself.
Read more “These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry”

Alien vs Pinhead Painting

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien vs Pinhead Painting
Aw. Look at that alien getting ready to tuck in Pinhead in this Alien vs Pinhead Painting. Maybe read him a little dead-time story. I had no idea these two were friends. Pinhead has great taste in bedsheets. But how does he sleep without poking holes in his pillow? Guy must go through a pillow a night. Wait. I don’t think they’re friends. I think that alien is gonna eat that pinhead. Well, everything but his head. No way that alien wants to cut up his mouth.

Hush my little Pinhead, don’t you cry.
Alien’s in your room and you will die.
He’s here to pull your face away from your head.
And leave it on the pillow on your bloody bed.

Spider Baby Plush Toys

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Spider Baby Plush Toys
The spider babies are coming! The spider babies are coming! This is gonna require some king sized fly swatters! Like those huge wood spatulas they use for getting pizza out of the oven. Bring out your biggest boots and start stomping. These hairy-backed and baby-headed Spider Baby Plush Toys from scrumptiousdelight are pure nightmare fuel.

*Sees baby in a stroller all swaddled up in a blanket. baby head and top hat sticking out.* Awwww. Aren’t you a cute baby. Is that 8 ribs I see under your blanky-wanky? *Opens blanket. Sees eight legs.* SPIDER BABY! *Runs away screaming. Web hits me in the back. Spins me into a cocoon.*

*Wakes up an hour later on the sidewalk next to rows of other cocooned humans.* Spider baby? Me too. I hate spider babies!
Read more “Spider Baby Plush Toys”

Pee & Poo Plush Dolls Are Best Buds

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

pee & poo plush toys
Pee and Poo. They’re a stinky bowl of best buds. Aren’t these Pee & Poo Plush Dolls cute? Hug ’em, squeeze ’em, rub ’em, against each other and see what rubs off. If they are anything like the real thing, you’ll play with the pee several times a day and be lucky to see poo once every other and he’ll make it really difficult for you to let him go.

It’s the only acceptable way to play with pee and poo, so go for it. All of your other toys will be disgusted.
Read more “Pee & Poo Plush Dolls Are Best Buds”

Cupcake Panties: Sweet Cheeks

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cupcake panties
Etsy seller Knickerocker is making all of my dreams come true by combining two of my favorite things. Cupcakes and butt cheeks. I’ll have extra sprinkles on mine. These cupcake panties will put some frosting on your crack. Maybe with a cherry on top. They make your butt look like a tasty treat and allow you to be bakery fresh all the time.

You don’t fart in undies like these. You tart. Like a strawberry tart. I would buy these for my wife, but once a month she would just add her own raspberry filling and then get mad and throw them out.
Read more “Cupcake Panties: Sweet Cheeks”